As if I know what I'm talking about

Sherlock Holmes related post 1...

2012-01-28T05:42:00.000-08:00

My poem that was in Wooster Sauce Summer issue,(See here) was included in the Shelock Holmes Society Journal, Silver Jubilee Supplement... Of which I am obviously over the moon...

The page is reproduced below...

Grateful Dead Covers Project

2012-01-24T09:20:00.000-08:00

I have written about discovering The Grateful Dead before, here

Well there is a recent project for fans of the Dead to film themselves performing tracks of the band and uploading them to youtube. Details of which can be found here.

I thought I'd give this a go, and here are my attempts...

Children's Book Festival 2011

2011-10-25T01:04:00.000-07:00

Nonsense poetry in libraries, whose crazy idea was that? Add in silly songs, classes of children and audience participation and it sounds like an unworkable idea that is destined to fail and be shunned forever…

Except it does work… for the 7th year in a row, I’m doing just that at the annual celebration of all things literary, The Children’s Book Festival 2011.

This year I visited three separate areas of the country. Two of the areas are well known and have been well visited by me over the years, these areas being Cork City and DunLaoghaire/Rathdown, and then there was the totally new, refreshing and wonderful experience that is Co Westmeath Libraries.

The Libraries visited in order were:

Shankill Library (DLR)
Cabinteely Library (DLR)
Castlepollard Library (Westmeath)
Bishopstown Library (Cork)
Tory Top Library (Cork)
Douglas Library (Cork)

A Wonderful time was had by me and I hope the Children, Teachers and Librarians are able to say the same. My wife was able to attend for the DunLaoghaire Libraries so I was able to obtain visual proof that the event happened, and although we travelled to Cork together, she had her own storytelling to do, so the other libraries only have photos taken by my phone and do not feature anyone within them.

But, again, I had a great time and I am upset that, although there are still events until next week, my CBF is over again for another year…

My Website contains further details if anyone should want to view it, www.paulhtubb.com.

Please see below for photographic evidence…
Thank you.

Me Singing in Shankill Library (Photo by Daria Walsh)

Reading poetry in Cabinteely (Photo by Daria Walsh)

My Lonely Guitar in Castlepollard Library

Display welcoming me to Tory Top Library

Picture Book Picnic

2011-07-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

July 16th 2011 is the date of the Dublin Unesco City of Literature Picture Book Picnic. The venue is the Wood Quay Venue, Dublin 8, and I, Paul Tubb, will be taking myself, my guitar and my poetry books to entertain those who are there.

Yes... I am part of the entertainment for Dublin's Picture Book Picnic and I am over the moon at this.

I shall be Singing some of my songs and Reading some of my Dublin based creature-poetry for around 15 minutes.

It is a free event, but tickets must be sought at the Gutter Bookshop, Temple Bar.

Further information can be found here.

Can't wait...

Wodehouse and Holmes Society poem

2011-06-19T04:18:00.000-07:00

As a member of the PG Wodehouse Society, and a new member of The Sherlock Holmes Society of London, my loyalties in the annual Cricket match between the societies have become worryingly divided... So much so that I decided to pour all my frustration and worry into my art, and those lovely people at Wooster Sauce, have published it for me... It is hopefully going to appear in the Winter edition of the Sherlock Holmes Journal as well.

Hope it is enjoyed by all:

A Rhyming, Musical Laureate

2011-06-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

I suggested that Julia Donaldson be made UK’s Children’s Laureate when Michael Rosen’s tenure was up. Not to anyone specific you understand, I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I hold any sway in important literary decisions, just on internet forums and to people I know.

Anthony Browne instead got the job and did a wonderful job and now, It is apparent someone shares my opinion as Julia Donaldson has now replaced Anthony Browne.

And what a wonderful choice it is. Who doesn’t know the Gruffalo? Who wouldn’t laugh at, Crazy Mayonnaisy Mum? She has a wonderful expansive range as an author (Picture Books, Novels, Poetry, Prose) that I’m sure she’ll do the position proud.

We have things in common, Julia and I… We are both Songwriters and Rhymers… OK we have as far as I’m aware two things in common… Which is one of the reasons I am over the moon about her appointment to this position.

Congratulations Julia…

Another Review for Dublin's Lesser Spotted Creatures

2011-05-31T04:29:00.000-07:00

I have just received this Positive review from the Inis Website (Inis is the Irish magazine for Children's Books and the review can be found here) Thanks to all at Inis for the review and mention.

Irish children’s poets are thin on the ground, which is surprising, as Ireland is not exactly short on poets. It has fallen to poet Paul Tubb to get to grips with the capital city – in a decidedly whimsical fashion.

Dublin’s Lesser Spotted Creatures, Tubb’s second book, unleashes a bestiary of strange and often fabulous animals on Dublin’s familiar environs. Readers are introduced to an odd-sock-wearing orang-utan, an insect with its own web page, an ironing iguana, and many other beasts even less probable. I laughed out loud at the poem about Welsh prawns holidaying in Dublin, and at the bespectacled badger.

Tubb locates the outlandish in the mundane and has an eye for the quirky and unusual. The book can be a bit clunky –this may not be for connoisseurs of poetry – and the overall design is similarly basic. The often comically naïve drawings by the author certainly enhance the general air of silliness, and ultimately it is the humour that wins out, compensating for these defects.

Topical, Political, Caricatures.... And Now For Something Completely Different

2011-05-26T22:04:00.001-07:00

I Don't normally do Topical Humour, Political Humour or Caricatures, and the cartoon below may explain why.

To Commemorate President Obama's State Visit to England, I give you a terrible joke.

My First Wodehouse Experience

2011-05-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

This piece of writing by myself has just appeared in the latest issue of 'Wooster Sauce', the magazine for the society of the worlds funniest ever writer, Mr. Pelham Grenville Wodehouse...

Hope it's enjoyed.

Dublin's Lesser Spotted Creatures

2011-04-25T04:07:00.000-07:00

In Dublin’s fair city, the girls may be pretty but the creatures that reside there are as strange as can be… So with this in mind poet/humorist/singer-songwriter, Paul Tubb has decided to document these creatures, using rhyme and pictures, in this collection of Nonsensical verse.

So come and learn about creatures such as: the Quinklesaur, The Kwalaguppy, the Ape like creatures who spend their time playing Subbuteo and many others?

A laugh-out-loud funny collection which introduces you to aspects of Dublin you will, until now, have been unaware of. This wonderful book is suitable for Children of all ages.

ISBN No: 978-1-908024-22-0

The Book can be purchased using the button above, Signed and for an introductory offer of €7.95 saving €2, or more information, and a poem from the collection, can be found here

Cheers
Paul.

RIP John Sullivan

2011-04-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'd like to use this Blog, to extend my condolences to the Family of one of Our greatest Comedy Writers.

John Sullivan Has died today, The creator of Del Boy, Rodney and Wolfie Smith.

I, like most of England, loved 'Only Fools and Horses'... But Citizen Smith was also a huge favourite of mine and I enjoyed 'Just Good Friends' and 'Roger Roger'.

I'll leave you now, with a scene from Citizen Smith...

Thank you for the laughter...

I Wasn't A Teenage Deadhead... Unfortunately

2011-04-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

37 years of age is too old to be discovering the Grateful Dead…

But this is what has happened to me. For the past 36 years my life has been a life lived in total ignorance of The Dead and their music. I'd heard of them knew Jerry Garcia by sight, but had never listened to them. It wasn't even that I'd heard them, decided I didn't like them and their music had to grow on me, I was completely ignorant.

Now due to a recent epiphany I can’t stop listening to the Dead and I wish I’d discovered their music years ago. They are a great Rock'N'Roll band who have brilliant songs. A wonderfully un-disciplined/Musical band that deserve to be listened to by more people.

As well as their CD's I find youtube a veritable treasure chest of Grateful-Dead/Dead-Associated-bands clips and Music.

And all this begs the question why someone who fell in love with Rock'N'Roll at the age of 11 after discovering the Beatles, should only be discovering this music now?

Oh Well... Here's a couple of favourite clips for anyone who reads this...

Dublin's Lesser Spotted Creatures: First Review

2011-03-21T15:11:00.001-07:00

Thank you Books Ireland!

The Monthly periodical, Books Ireland has said some lovely things about my new collection of Nonsense Verse. The review can be seen below.

RIP Dean Richards

2011-02-27T01:58:00.000-08:00

Hertbreaking news that former Tottenham, Southampton, Wolves and Bradford defender has died.

I saw him play quite a few times at White Hart Lane, he was an excellently dependable, Centre Back.

My condolences are extended to his family...

RIP Dean Richards

Micheál Martin's Last Gasp attempt to stay in power

2011-02-26T06:39:00.000-08:00

I saw about 5 of these posters on lamposts in the Dame Street/Temple Bar area yesterday...

an Impassioned plea by someone who really doesn't want Kenny to be Taoiseach...

Who could that be?

RIP Gary Moore

2011-02-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

RIP Gary Moore...
One of the greatest Blues/Rock Guitarists ever...

Nothing else to add except...

Dublin's Lesser Spotted Creatures

2011-02-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

The First Ever Pun

2011-01-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

Wow... I am, absolutely, gobsmacked to have discovered this... As anyone who knows me is aware, I love the art, yes art, of paronomasia... Punning, a play on words using words of similar sound...

Well imagine how over the moon I was to discover the first ever recorded version of a pun... Please see the example below for the reason of my being over the moon...

Leonard Cohen and The Muppets...

2011-01-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

It is always pleasing when two of my favourite things in the whole world get together. So it was with great delight and joy that I read the story that Bret McKenzie (Flight of the Conchords) was writing songs for the impending Muppet Movie. (See Here)

Flight of the Conchords are probably the funniest act in the world today, and they are both exceptionally gifted musicians… The awe in which I, myself a humorist and a musician, look up to these two musical comedic geniuses, is immense… The DVD’s are a regular viewing at our house thanks to my wife loving the pair as well.

And the Muppets, I’ve spoken on many an almost mind-numbingly boring length about my devotion to the creatures created within the Jim Henson Company. I believe that Jim Henson had one of the greatest comic minds ever, and his comically, fun and human spirit is reflected by all within the company.

On an extra featured on the DVD box set of Flight of the Conchords, Bret actually mentions that his influences were Leonard Cohen and the Muppets… Hopefully this will be reflected on the new songs for the movie.

One of my favourite Conchord songs...

Christmas Day in Howth Part I

2010-12-27T05:00:00.000-08:00

A few Pictures of Christmas Day, in Howth...

View From Our Apartment...

My Peanuts Christmas Mug

My Equipment for my Christmas Cigar

My Peanuts Christmas Mug

Me and the Igloo, photo taken by my wife Daria Walsh.

Artistically Speaking...

2010-12-03T05:44:00.000-08:00

Just thought I'd blog to let everyone know what I'm up to, artistically speaking. I will no longer be seen on the Dublin comedy curcuit due to my time being spread too thin...

I've finished the poems and illustrations for my Dublin Collection, with the hope that they'll be edited and released within the next twelve months. I'm hoping also to put out a few songs and poems on CD during the year.

I have also finished a Children's picture book which I am most pleased with. Normally I have doubts about my words and drawings and I can just hope they will be well recieved, but this peice of art I am actually really pleased with and I have high hopes for it...

It is called, The Dog of Edward Aloysius Grey, and I will say no more about it at the moment, except to show you the front cover.

Apart from this, I'm always writing Poems, Songs, Drawing cartoons and illustrations and attempting to write humorous prose as well...

Quentin Blake

2010-11-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

Whilst waiting for the Children to enter Raheny Library for my recent reading there (See here) I spied on the Shelf, ‘Quentin Blake’s book of Nonsense Verse’ and decided to pick it up and have a flick through… Two of my favourite things in one book, Nonsense Verse and Quentin Blake’s Illustrations.

My first memories of Quentin Blake, were not the Roald Dahl books. In fact when Quentin Blake started illustrating Roald Dahl Stories and Rhymes, I was a teenager and supposedly to old for Roald Dahl (Though you are never to old for Roald Dahl.)

I remember a collection of books about a detective called, Agaton Sax. Now the fact that he was a detective is all I can remember about the stories except, the wonderfully quirky illustrations which were added by Mr Quentin Blake. The drawings seemed so different and more fun than the other books and I’ve been a fan of his ever since. I was overjoyed when he became Children’s Laureate. I would love for him to illustrate one of my poems.

A friend of mine when seeing my book told me that my illustrations reminded him of the Roald Dahl illustrations, and I took it as a massive compliment, (Although Mr Blake may be insulted.)

I’ve toyed with the idea of sending Mr Blake my collection of verse, but I’m not sure of my intentions of doing so. Would I like to be included if a new or updated collection of ‘Quentin Blake’s book of Nonsense Verse’ becomes available? Well of course I would but I’m not sure how likely that is. Maybe I just want to inform him how much he influenced someone who didn’t want to be an illustrator and became one simply to add pictures to his own work… Who knows the reasons I have, I’ve not yet sent a copy to him and he probably receives so many books mine won’t make a difference…

I’ll just stick to enjoying the Illustrations already available.

Purchase a signed copy of my Collection of Nonsense Verse

2010-10-28T01:31:00.001-07:00

Click The Button Above, to purchase a copy of my Book, 'Please Do Not Encourage This Nonsense by Purchasing This Book', for the sum of €6 + €3 postage and packaging. Please enter in any message you require the author to write.

My Children's Book Festival 2010 - Part two

2010-10-28T01:27:00.000-07:00

I do love the fact that this festival is in October. The Autumnal atmosphere is a perfect setting as people prepare for Halloween and this festival nicely sets up the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons for me. Due to this festival, the last three months of the last 6 years have had a wonderful completed feel about them… So October is the perfect month for this… But…

I have been introduced to a minor disadvantage of the festival taking place in October, it coincides with the X-Factor hotting up. Now I do not watch the X-Factor but thanks to wall-to-wall coverage, I do seem to know quite a bit about it, but this year I decided would be different. I will make myself ignorant of the show, anytime I saw an article or it came on another television show I would put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes and go, “Blah Blah Blah” until it had ended…

Now what has this to do with the Children’s Book Festival? I hear you ask with emphasised impatience… I shall tell you…

I arrived in Cork at around 1330hrs on Monday 18th October 2010. Getting a taxi from Kent station to my hotel, the taxi driver seeing my guitar asked if I was there for the Jazz (Something I was asked by all taxi drivers whilst here.) when I replied in the negative and explained why I was in Cork. Then he asked me, ‘I suppose you watch the X-Factor?’ again I replied in the negative and he took this as an indication that I wanted to know all about it. So I now know about Mary, Wagner, feuding judges and all sorts about a show I was hoping to avoid… Oh well.

I was back in Cork though, a place I’ve spoken about my fondness for before, but this time was a bit bittersweet, as my wife was unable to accompany me and Cork without my wife is like Laurel without Hardy, although she’d prefer a more romantic analogy. But I was in Cork and I was determined to make the best of my time here.

My first reading was on the following day at the Grand Parade Library in the Centre of Cork. A place I had visited many times. A class of all boys entered and I went straight into the Coat-hanger song. My first poem produced giggles from some of the boys and this did me the world of good, I’ve been feeling a bit down about my art recently thinking that it was unloved and not wanted, the sound of a child giggling immediately put paid to that idea… and also put me on cloud nine… I was feeling so good as I completed the rest of the performance and hopefully this came across. Limericks were well written and there was a continuation of the giggling throughout the session.

This set up the next session nicely. The setting for this Tory top Library, where the librarian Mary recognised me from a previous reading. The group that entered were an all girl group. This was another successful reading and performance where the children enjoyed themselves and the teacher asked what my book was called and where it can be purchased…

The following day I had two readings again, and the mix was identical the first class was boys and the second were all girls. The first session was at Mayfair Library and was again very successful. Questions were asked, Giggles were heard and there was also a request for more songs… I couldn’t comply due to time issues, but it was a nice request to hear. The second group of the day was to be found in Bishopstown library, which is convenient as this is where the taxi driver took me. The taxi driver for this leg of the journey, had been in Tory Top Library whilst I was in there and he loved my song, New Shoes Blues, this set up my mood nicely for a wonderful last session.

The last group of the day, Cork and the Festival itself, really enjoyed the session. Wonderful Limericks were written, enthusiastic questions were asked and there was clapping accompanying my songs. They had sought me out on the internet and werem familiar with my song, 'Mis-Spelt Football Team Blues'. One question asked was, ‘How long does it take to write a poem?’ and I normally answer this question by reading a poem of mine (From my new collection, Dublin’s lesser spotted creatures) which took me the duration of washing my hands to write, and then go on to explain other poems take weeks to get right, so there is no hard and fast rules. At this answer one young girl put her hand up to tell me that she once wrote a song whilst eating her dinner, but unfortunately by the time she finished the song had been forgotten. I can certainly sympathise with this, this has happened to me on many occasions, so I reiterated the importance of always having a notebook with you, although probably not at the dinner table.

So again, a successful Children’s Book Festival was had by me… Here’s hoping next year will be as good.

My Children's Book Festival 2010 - Part one

2010-10-14T01:21:00.000-07:00

Tuesday October 12th

The Spire on O’Connell Street is not popular with the boys from, St Joseph’s School Fairview… They made sure I knew that.

But I jump forward. As a chronicler I need to set the scene, the place and the background and I have done none of these things in that first sentence.

The truth is I am referring to the 2010 Children’s Book Festival, that is in its 20th year and I am in my 6th year of performing for it.

After last years 35 performances, I have managed to get 6 performances this year, but I am not complaining. I understand that these are recessionary/purse-string-tightening times and I’m just happy to have readings… I may complain if I had none, but then I wouldn’t be writing a blog so you will not have to read it…

So the first port of call for this year’s festival is Dublin City Libraries. I have never before performed within this jurisdiction, but this completes my visits to all 4 Dublin-based areas. This year I have the treat of having the company of another performer for the festival. My wife Daria is making her maiden voyage in this year’s festival, reading her wonderful stories regarding Lorcan the Lamb and others, and we were both doing Dublin City on the same day, different Libraries. So we travelled together from our base in Howth, me getting off at Clontarf Road as she went further to Grand Canal Dock.

My first reading was in Marino Library and I was given Coffee and Chocolate as I set up (Always a good start). A group of 25 boys from the above mentioned school entered at ten and I went straight into, ‘The Coat-hanger Song’. It was like I’d never been away. I read poems, asked questions, sang songs and gave the children a Limerick section asking them to write their own Limericks. Following the format of previous years, with one major difference… This year I was able to read some Dublin-Based Verse in a Dublin based Library…

I have recently written a collection of Nonsense/Comic verse that centres on Strange Creatures to-be found in the Dublin area, and I was looking forward to reading them to a Dublin based Children-Audience. I premiered some of them at a reading I gave to Celebrate 10 years of Stewarts Hospital Library and they were well received, so I really wanted to read them as part of this festival. One of the poems details the purpose of the Spire on O’Connell Street and after the reading, many of the questions concerned this and their disapproval of it. Hence the beginning sentence. The word Ugly was used in reference to it more than once…

A successful and enjoyable time was had by me and hopefully by all… Although I was asked if I could sing Paparazzi by Lady Gaga, something that is never going to happen… Ever, I tell you…

After Marino, I made the pain free journey to Raheny Library. I was immediately made to feel welcome again, thanks to friendly faces and the all important offer of Coffee…

Taking my coffee, I started to set up my stuff… This session I was told would be 60 children from two separate Schools… And I wasn’t misled; this was exactly what happened… These classes seemed to have no strong views on the Spire in O’Connell Street, but when I asked if anyone could tell me what purpose it served, one young girl answered that it is big enough to be seen from other areas in town, so if you are lost you can get your bearings from the spire… This had never occurred to me.

Also during the Limerick section a group of young boys approached me and asked if they could sing a song about Ronaldo. I said yes, and the entire audience of teachers, Librarians, Children and I were treated to a song about Ronaldo song to the tune of Dean Martin’s: That’s Amore. Again a wonderful session was had and it feels good to be back doing the CBF again…

I’d like to thank all from Dublin City Libraries involved, The Schools and the teachers who came and most of all, The Children to whom I was allowed to read and to sing to.

I’m back in Cork next week and looking forward to it.

Stephen Fry - Pans

2010-10-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

I searched on youtube, for Stephen fry and Puns, hearing that he did a radio episode on the Subject. Having an unhealthy obsession with the groan-worthy word-play and also having admiration for the man himself, I thought I'd like to hear it... I hoped some kind soul had put it up for people to listen to... Unfortunately they hadn't.

Although on searching for, 'Stephen Fry Puns' youtube enquired if I had actually meant, 'Stephen Fry Pans'.

I was intrigued... Did Stephen Fry have an interest in Cooking utensils and had he done a programme on them? Did he ever do a Comedy sketch ala Vic and Bob where Hugh and Stephen batter themselves with frying pans?

Allowing a cople of seconds for these questions to be asked, I decided I will answer them by telling youtube that I had indeed meant, 'Stephen Fry Pans'. I was then informed that there were no videos containing, 'Stephen Fry Pans'. I'll never get that time back again.

Mistletoe and Root Beer

2010-10-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

Having enjoyed the process of putting his Nonsense Poetry on Kindle with his last book, Paul decided to put his collection of Christmas Verse on Kindle to for some Festive Jocularity... The Kindle E-Book is Available here for Co.Uk and here For .Com.

Christmas Can Be Crazy, but is it as crazy as the Poems in this Collection of Christmas Verse?

Jokes inside of Christmas Crackers are possibly the funniest things on the planet, but are they as funny as the poetry in this volume?

Well it is for you to decide. By reading, Mistletoe and Root Beer, a collection of zany Christmas Rhymes written by Paul H. Tubb, you will be able to answer the questions posed above.

The poetry is on subjects as diverse as, an odd choice of casting for a nativity play, A Priest who does not look forward to the Christmas season, A young girl worried about Santa's Thoroughness and many other festive situations.

P.S. Although Paul loves puns, he is far to gracious to incorporate the pun, 'Kris Kindle' when referring to this Christmas based E-book.

Here are some examples of the pictures provided inside the book.

Illustration from the poem, The Year Santa Forgot the Toys

Illustration from the poem, Worrying Christmas Lyrics

Illustration from the poem, Mr Montague as Jesus

Here is me reading a poem from this Collection: Worrying Christmas Lyrics

RIP Norman Wisdom 1915 - 2010

2010-10-05T01:38:00.000-07:00

Black & White comedy had a big effect on the younger version of me. Many youthful hours were wasted away in front of the much maligned set giggling at the escapades of Messrs Hardy, Laurel, Chaplin, Lloyd, The Marx’s and others. One of my earliest memories is sitting on the knee of my Grandmother as we watched Laurel and Hardy, as My Grandmother explained who they were… I would even go so far as to state that I probably would not be writing, or performing, the stuff I do currently if it was not for this introduction to comedy so early in my life.

And then there was the British films, which I remember with the same fondness. Specific memories of George Formby films and the Slapstick filled, little man against the World –
films that featured the true comic talents of Norman Wisdom. (Some films in Colour as well)

Yes Norman Wisdom, who died in his sleep last night aged 95, was someone I enjoyed watching immensely as a youngster and probably would have as an older individual if it wasn’t for his unexplained absence from our TV screens. His films always seemed to be on during early to mid-1980’s, filling a void during the summer holidays. I have a specific memory of one particular film where Norman plays a shy, humble, lovable, put-upon, but gifted everyman, who can only sing if the woman he loves plays the piano. This fact is taken advantage of from an upper-class cad who passes Normans vocal skills off as his own and makes a living falsely as an entertainer. Trying to cure his shyness, Norman goes to a hypnotist who cures him, temporarily. There is a wonderful scene where he eats caviar and tells off a stony faced waiter played by the comically gifted John LeMesurier. Of course this cure doesn’t last and the film ends with Norman being able to sing and who shows the world that the voice has been his all the time.

As I have indicated it has been a while since I saw a Norman Wisdom film, so I do not remember the title of this particular film, but hearing about his death this morning has bought this Childhood memory back along with the enjoyment created. I will find some time to see if I can find the title on Internet movie database. Maybe even a clip on youtube…

RIP Norman Wisdom, you were a true British Clown.

Additional Edit: Isn't modern technology wonderful... Found this with the minimal of fuss. This is the film I mentioned above, it is called, 'Follow a Star'

Nonsense Verse On Kindle

2010-09-28T00:40:00.000-07:00

I have moved into the 21st Century, well not me, I moved into the 21st Century on 1st January either 2000 or 2001 depending on who you believe.

It is my poetry, My Book, Please Do Not Encourage This Nonsense by Purchasing This Book, that has moved into 21st Century because it is now available on Kindle.

Kindle the device that makes book burning more difficult has revolutionised the way we carry books around. No longer do we have to take 5 books with us on a plane, we can take one Kindle and one of the books could be my volume of Comic/Nonsense verse...

It is available from Amazon UK here

And from Amazon USA here

Peace to all...

Purchase a Signed Copy of My Collection of Nonsense Verse Here

2010-09-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

SOLD OUT:

2010-09-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

I'm Afraid the Product you wish to purchase is not available at the moment.

Please go here:

James Thurber -- Rhyming Humorist

2010-09-17T04:22:00.000-07:00

Who is my favourite American Rhyming Humorist? Well there are obvious choices, Ogden Nash, Dr Seuss, Phyllis McGinley, Shel Silverstein, Dorothy Parker… But what about James Thurber?

That’s correct Mr Thurber, creator of Walter Mitty and Mr Preble… But a rhyming humorist? Well if you read any biography of James Thurber (Such as here or here) the word poet is not mentioned in his description, but recently I have had the enormous pleasure of reading two of his children’s books, ‘The Wonderful O’ and ‘The 13 Clocks’. Both books suddenly break into metrical rhyming sections at sporadic intervals. It can confuse at times, as the sections are not lineated as you would normally associate with poetry, the words are as Roger McGough wrote in his wonderful autobiography, ‘Words out of control, falling over a cliff’, and many times I had to read a section again as I realised I had missed one the fact that it rhymes.

Take for example this section from the Wonderful O, about building a better man: (Lineation mine)

“Of firmer flesh and all complete,
From Hairy head to metatarsal feet,
Using A’s and I’s and U’s and E’s
With muscular arms and flexible knees;
Eyes and ears and lids and lips,
Neck and chest and breast and hips;
Liver, heart and lungs and chin,
Nerves and ligaments and skin;
Kidney’s, pancreas and flanks,
Ankles calves and skin and shanks.
Legs and lashes, ribs and spleen—‘
Black had turned a little green,
And then Hyde held up both his hands
“Brains and veins and cells and glands—“

He is then silenced and it descends into non-rhyming prose, until Mr Thurber decides he is going to rhyme again…

I found both these books wonderfully inventive, linguistically fruitful, terrifically moral and exceptionally humorous… They would be strongly recommended.

Although in answer to my initial question, the answer would still be Ogden Nash… Although I loved Thurber’s work before I read these books and I like his work a little more now…

Francis Xavier Enderby

2010-09-09T01:44:00.000-07:00

During the short intermission that they have at the wonderful storytelling night, Milk & Cookies, I took the opportunity to read from, ‘The Complete Enderby’. A tome containing all four novels written by Anthony Burgess about the poet, Francis Xavier Enderby. Whilst reading, I was asked,
‘That’s the same guy who wrote Clockwork Orange isn’t it?’ I replied in the affirmative and was then asked, ‘Is it similar to Clockwork Orange?’ To which I could reply in the negative as it isn’t. I am then glad that he did not ask me what it is comparable to as I’m not so sure… The books are certainly like nothing I’ve ever read before.

Gifted Poet, Francis Xavier Enderby, has questionable gastronomic and hygiene habits. His grotesque stepmother ruined both his Libido and his Catholicism for him. Now all he wants to do is live a solitary existence which allows him to collect money from investments and to write his poems whilst on his toilet, especially the masterpiece he is currently working on. Unfortunately there are many obstacles preventing him from living the life he wants, including: A friend asking him to write love poems to a barmaid, awards to accept, jealous husbands, the plagiarising of his work, being wrongfully accused of murder and many others but most especially the women… You see despite being a bit grotesque and due to him being such a gifted wordsmith Enderby is, if not irresistible at least, very popular with the opposite sex. Although there is normally strings attached with these liaisons, such as: Marriage and conformity to society, higher marks at college or just a fulfilment of lust that Enderby is unable to fulfil. Also, you can’t help feeling sorry for Enderby as it appears nobody is on his side, he truly is a man alone who just wishes for his muse never to leave him and to be left alone with this muse and write beautiful things.

All this adds up to four very funny books with wonderful linguistic fun that showcases a poet so out of step with the world and even the world of art. I would certainly recommend these books to any adult…

Purchasing Steve Martin's books whilst in America

2010-08-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

When Steve Martin's wonderful stand up memoir, Born Standing Up, was released, I was staying with my in-laws in the US of A and I have to admit it felt special to purchase a book written by one of America's Comic Genius's in their country. Obviously it was the same book I could have purchased in Ireland on my return but I wanted to buy it in America. The book, was read on the same day I had purchased it, and it is a book I have continually dipped into ever since as it is a wonderful read and a great reference for anyone who wishes to make a career out of trying to make people laugh.

I would go as far as to say that this book is probably the greatest memoir/biography I own and in the top ten books I have ever read... My parents even purchased the paperback for me so that I can take it on my travels...

So the omens are good when I return to America for thanksgiving this year, there will be a new Steve Martin Book coming out whilst I am over there. The book, entitled, 'Object Of Beauty', will again be purchased by me on the day of release hopefully...

I've been a huge Steve martin fan ever since I saw a clip of his stand-up routine in the late 80's (I saw it in the late 80's, The routine I'm sure was from the seventies.) I have a collection of his films, all his books (including Cruel Shoes) and his stand-up CD's. I believe he has one of the greatest Comic Minds ever and I can't wait for his new book to arrive.

When Joke Theft is not Joke Theft?

2010-08-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

I was named after my dad, about twenty-five years after my dad...

The above joke, is one I have used at many of my sporadic stand-up gigs. So you can imagine my surprise when reading an article about Comedy Opinions, the above Joke is attributed to another more famous comedian than myself a man named John-Luke Roberts... (See Here)

Now I have never heard of this guy or seen his act and I'm pretty sure he has never seen mine, so this is simply a case of two people having the same idea for a joke.

But now I have to drop it from my act... Which isn't too bad as I want to concentrate on Comic Poetry/Songs and General Comic Writing rather than stand-up, so it is to be forgotten and never thought of again...

This is a routine of mine that I believe doesn't include this joke...

Tim Vine - Edinburgh's Funniest Joke

2010-08-24T01:11:00.000-07:00

In the current comedic age where it is more important for a comedian to appear cool or edgy than funny, Tim Vine is a breath of fresh air. He is known by such soubriquets as the Pun-Slinger or The Machine-Pun but I like to think of him as simply a true comic genius

His puns, one-liners and silly songs are hilariously funny and well worth watching again and again…

Therefore I am so pleased that he has won the award for best joke of the Edinburgh fringe festival. Although I agree with him, he has better jokes than the one that one (See below)

Well done Tim, and I can’t wait for your Joke book to be released in September.

See below for a hilarious interview with Tim about the Joke.

Dublin, Unesco City of Literature and Dublin's Lesser spotted Creatures

2010-07-30T00:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, Dublin’s Fair City, a place that I call home and some other people call, ‘Let’s pretend Paul doesn’t live here.’

Well this place that I call home is now a UNESCO City of Literature a title much deserved because of the rich Literary history the city has, from Joyce, Wilde, Gogarty, Flann O’Brien through to the many wonderful writers of today.

I, as a sort of Literary figure who lives here, am overjoyed by this turn of events not merely because, coincidentally, I have recently been working on a collection of Nonsense Verse based around nonsensical/mythical creatures that are to be found within Dublin. The Collection is under the title, 'Dublin's Lesser Spotted Creatures'.

I am currently looking for a publisher for this, but in the meantime I offer up this example for you in the hope that it is enjoyed by all who stumble on this vast wasteland that is my Blog.

Thank you.

Subbuteo Playing Primates

A Monkey in Glenview, *
Whilst eating Irish Stew,
Said, ‘I think I’ll play Subbuteo today.
Although playing by one’s self
Is bad for one’s Health
“For 2 or more” the instructions clearly say.
So when I’ve finished this stew
I’ll know what I’ll do
And I believe it is the best decision
I’ll contact a Chimpanzee
I know who lives in Dalkey,
I’m sure he’ll provide excellent opposition.’

* In Tallaght

Pete Quaife RIP

2010-06-27T05:57:00.000-07:00

Peter Quaife, Artist and original bass player in England's Finest (IMO) Rock/Pop Group the Kinks has passed away at the age of 66.

Using this Blog, I'd like to extend my condolences to his family and friends and express my Chagrin and Sadness at the news.

I can do no more but to link to some of the wonderful music made by him whilst in the Kinks.

RIP Pete.

A Poetic Circus Needs a Poetic Clown

2010-06-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Wow… How messed up is the Oxford Professorship of poetry elections… A wonderful opportunity to put poetry in the news, and it is being treated like a day trip to St Trinians by the possible candidates.

We’ve had the favouritism and the only woman candidate leaving (Read here)

We’ve had accusations of pretension and pseudo-intellectualism (See Here and Here)

And that’s not mentioning the debacle that it descended into last year.

It was even described as a Circus today (See Here)

And I wish I was involved. What does every circus need? A Dancing Grizzly bear… No… Sorry… That was the wrong thing I wanted to say, No dancing bear is needed, not in this circus, it could do with a Clown though, albeit a poetic one… Like myself.

I may not have the experience, or the degrees, but I have been told that, ‘You make Children happy, don’t ever stop.’ And I have been described as ‘delightfully ridiculous’ rather than just ridiculous like the escapades of the current bunch of potential poets.

I know it’s too late for this time, and I will probably never get it ever anyway, but I can but dream. I’d like to immerse myself in the pastoral/lively atmosphere of Further Academia writing/reading verse and about verse whilst talking about it, oh what might have been.

My Book can be purchased here:

Me reading a poem:

My Stand-Up Comedy Act - With added song.

2010-05-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

Me perfoming Stand Up at the Battle of the Axe Comedy Club, Hapenny Inn May 2010

Siobhán Parkinson, First Laureate na nÓg

2010-05-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

I would like to use this Blog, to extend my congratulations to Siobhán Parkinson, who has just been announced the first Children's Laureate/Laureate na nÓg.

Siobhán is a former Bisto Book of the year award winner, who has written over twenty books and is a very worthy choice for such a position.

The project, I believe, is a wonderful idea and an exceptional opportunity to promote literacy and reading and further information can be found on www.childrenslaureate.ie

Again Congratulations Siobhán, I hope the role is what you want it to be and more.

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today - (Give or take a few months.)

2010-05-09T05:46:00.001-07:00

In January 1990, I went to see my first concert. The concert in question was Sir Paul McCartney (Or just Paul McCartney MBE as he was at the time) at the Wembley Arena and a great wonderful show was provided for the paying customers.

One of the Highlight's of the show, was an extended jamming version of Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band (Complete with psychedelic Acid Blobs in the background), which linked the song and the reprise that are found on the Album of the same name...

To celebrate The Beatles/Mr Paul McCartney, and the time when I was 16, I have located a version of this Song/Jam/Song on YouTube and I have decided to put it here for all to witness...

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I have specified before, That me and Paul McCartney have a few things in Common,

We both married American Photographers,
We share the same first name, (Although he was born James Paul, he is known as Paul)
Although I'm right handed and he's left handed, neither of us are Ambidextrous.

Thank you Mr McCartney for a wonderful evening and the large amount of happiness you (With and without your former Beat Combo) have given me.

The Hunky-Dory Adverts - The True Cost.

2010-05-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

It appears to me, reading the letters page in the Metro-Herald journal, that is nicely handed out free of charge at Howth Dart Station, that nobody really understands the true devastating consequences of the controversial Hunky-Dory Adverts. These adverts are located at bus-stops and Dart stations, causing distraction to men and teenage-boys who innocently just want to get to school or work. I predict that these adverts will cause many of the male gender to miss there buses/darts and therefore the knock-on effect will be a decrease in productivity/education which can only have a detrimental effect on our already precarious economy.

Soon we will be unable to blame the bankers, we’ll have to transfer the blame to the pretty ladies on the Hunky-Dory adverts…

We’re Doomed I tell you… DOOMED…

35 Years Gone... RIP P.G. Wodehouse

2010-02-14T04:17:00.000-08:00

35 years ago today, the world lost the funniest writer it has ever known. Mr Pelham Grenville Wodehouse, In my humble opinion, the greatest user of the English Language ever.

Like in my last Blog, about Charles M Schulz, I can do nothing better than to use The Master's own words to pay tribute. Unfortunately it is easier with Schulz than it is with Wodehouse (I am not going to reproduce an entire story here). So I have decided to recommend 10 Wodehouse books... This is a very difficult process as I would have to decide what to leave out, but I'm after ten that provide conclusive evidence that he was the funniest writer, combined with ten that demonstrate the vastness of his canon, so there will be only one Jeeves book, one Blandings etc... So here goes.

1) Thank you Jeeves.
2) Heavy Weather
3) Clicking of Cuthbert
4) Meet Mr Mulliner
5) Damsel in Distress
6) Young Men in Spats
7) Bill the Conqueror
8) Hot Water
9) Ukridge
10) The Small Bachelor

10 years gone... RIP Charles M Schulz

2010-02-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

As i wrote two blogs ago [Here], today is 10 years since the death of Charles M Schulz...

I can write nothing better than to put up a wonderful strip from this Comic Genius...

Hope it is enjoyed.

Sherlock Holmes

2010-01-19T08:22:00.000-08:00

Although I have yet to see Guy Ritchie’s version of Sherlock Holmes, I have recently begun to re-read the Sherlock Holmes Stories and Novels and I believe the fact that this movie put the exploits of Holmes and Watson before the public again, is the reason why.

My first exposure of the world’s greatest detective was as a young man watching the Baker Street Boys on CBBC and also reading the Arthur stories written by Alan Coren. I then remember the series starring Jeremy Brett, but I didn’t explore the literary side of Holmes until I was 20 years of age and loved to read the stories once I started. As I said at the beginning I’ve recently started to re-read them which indicates there has been a Gap, and there has been an inexplicably large gap that I needed the help of Mr Guy Ritchie to alleviate.

Over the festive period I began with Hound of the Baskervilles, followed by the Stories in the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and I have recently finished The Sign of Four. I shall now read the stories in the Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes and probably take a break after that, but for not too long of a period.

One thing that has struck me whilst reading the volumes is there always appears to be a fire burning in the rooms of 22IB Baker Street and also the copious amounts of tobacco consumed in the same residence. I can calculate, using the Sherlock Holmes method no doubt, that the stories of Sherlock Holmes tend to be set during cold weather and that both he and Watson were heavy smokers.

I mention this because, when I read the stories I always feel that I should be sitting next to an open fire with cigar to get the full effect. The recent Cold Spell we’ve had would seem to be the perfect place to do this except there are, of course, problems which present themselves, 1) We do not have an open fire, 2) When I do have one of my occasional cigars (Special occasions and celebrations only) I’m sent outside to smoke it so that I would never be next to a fire even if we had one. There is a fire in one of our favourite Howth Pubs, (The Bloody Stream) but thanks to the smoking ban this is not feasible either.

Oh well the stories shall be enjoyed regardless and I will not leave it too long, even though I do not believe that I’ll be going to see the movie out now, wait for it to arrive into my fire-less living room through the television.

Photo of me, Cigar and Sherlock Holmes...

It's the year of Anniversaries Charlie Brown

2010-01-02T06:55:00.000-08:00

10 years ago on February 12th 2000, the world lost a comic genius and a great Cartoonist. Charles M Schulz died in the year when Peanuts celebrated its 50th Anniversary. That makes this year also the 60th Anniversary of Peanuts.

Now I have written about my love of Schulz, Charlie Brown and All of Peanuts before. (See Here) but I thought as 2010 starts, a year with anniversaries, I’ll dedicate another blog.

A younger version of myself was allowed to use a book token he received as a Christmas gift, to buy a book to take on Holiday. This was the first time an opportunity like this had ever been given to me and I knew exactly what book I was going to choose. Entering a bookshop in Bishops Stortford, that if memory serves me correctly was called the Castle Bookshop, I went straight over and picked up a book called, ‘It’s Raining On Your Parade Charlie Brown’. This was the first book I ever purchased and the first opportunity I’d had to read Peanuts rather than to view the cartoons on television. I loved Peanuts then and I love it now.

This simple act alone ensures that I owe Charles Montrose Schulz a huge debt of gratitude, add into the mix the humour, the wonderful writing, drawing and the hours of enjoyment his art has given me, than the debt develops to gargantuan proportions. When I’m feeling down these days, I simply have to pick up my copy of, ‘You Really Don’t Look Fifty Charlie Brown’ and read not only the Cartoons, but the text Schulz inserts between Cartoons to explain where ideas came from and other biographical data.

Is there anything more American than Charlie Brown and his friends?

Nobody, apart from Wodehouse, influenced my work more, and I wonder what he would have thought about my writing? Would he have liked it? I’m not sure and I never will be. Although I think it’s safe to say a certain person would not enjoy my work, (See Below).

New Ukulele and Clip

2009-12-28T03:02:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I got a new Ukulele for Christmas from my wonderful wife. This will hopefully make travelling on Buses a bit easier...

I decided to record my new toy and the result can be viewed underneath... Hope it is enjoyed.

Festive Frivolity and Fun

2009-12-20T07:06:00.000-08:00

Can you feel all the peace, joy and goodwill in the air as we approach the festive season?

If your response is No, then clicking on the link below, will not change your mind in the slightest.

Christmassy Verse 2

2009-12-20T05:59:00.000-08:00

The Beard that saved Christmas

Mr Turnwinter’s beard
Is exceptionally famous hair.
The beard is worshipped and beloved
By Children everywhere.
Because one year it saved Christmas,
When accidentally
Santa shaved his beard off and needed
It replaced quickly.
Santa felt naked without his beard
It distinguished him.
He couldn’t leave the North Pole
Sporting a beardless Chin.
So he sent his elves on a mission
To find a look-a-like who’ll
Lend Santa their beard and restore
The jeopardised Yule.
So they found Mr Turnwinter
Who had based his look
Upon that of St Nicholas
After reading a book.
And he was happy to oblige
St Nick’s request
And Christmas therefore was restored
And Santa went on with his quest.
So things turned out well and
It wasn’t as bad as was feared
And on the cover of every magazine now
Is Mr Turnwinter’s beard

Christmassy Verse 1

2009-12-20T05:56:00.000-08:00

Polly the Christmas Panda

Whilst Juggling 7 Kumquats
On a cold December night.
I got the inspiration about a
Poem I should write,
About an iconic Christmas figure
Who is overlooked a lot,
But I consider her the best
Christmas icon we have got.
We always hear of Santa Clause,
The Grinch, Scrooge Ivy and Holly,
But it seems we do ignore
The Christmas panda Polly.
Yes Polly the Christmas Panda, she’s
As Christmassy as can be
When it comes to spreading joy
No one’s as good as she.
She wears her Christmas clothing,
And does her Christmassy things
And all those Christmas Carols
Are the only things she sings.
We need to hear more about her
I hope you all agree
I hope this poem balances out
The ignoring that we see.
So whether your name be John,
Stacey, Tony or Amanda
Let us never forget about
Polly the Christmas Panda.

Another mention for my book.

2009-11-20T02:04:00.000-08:00

The magazine, 'Carousel: The Guide to Children's Books' has given my collection of poetry a brief mention.

I am very pleased with what was said about it. 'Delightfully Ridiculous'

Tickling The English, In Ireland

2009-11-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

As an Englishman who is living in Ireland, I really wanted to read the thoughts on the English by an Irishman living in England… So I did… And what a thoroughly entertaining, funny and insightful read it was.

I’m also a fan of Dara O’Briain, the Author, so that was just another reason.

Tickling the English is a wonderful book, which actually uses statistics to break down national stereotypes, rather than fear-mongering to confirm them.

There are a few things I would disagree with, for instance his claim that the Irish embrace their adolescents whereas the English condemn them… Has he watched RTE news around Leaving Cert ending time? “Stay away from town centres Drunken unruly Teenagers on the loose…” But the majority was agreed with and the way with words he has is exceptional.

He claimed that the English were the Panto-Villains of the Irish, and this reminds me of a tale I’m now going to relate.

In 2003, I was sitting having lunch with my Irish work colleagues, when the subject of the 1994 world cup came up, one of my colleagues then said,
‘How did England get on during that tournament? Oh that’s right, they weren’t there.’ To which I replied,
‘We can always talk about World Cups we were at that you weren’t at if you like.’
To which someone responded, ‘Typical English, he’s going to start going on about 1966 now.’

Now I hadn’t mentioned 1966 yet, but I had recently purchased a 1966 England world cup winning shirt from the company TOFFS, which I had been yet to be brave enough to wear in Cork. I decided to gauge the reaction by wearing this shirt in my local pub during an England game, which we won. Nobody mentioned it, as I cheered and I noticed I was not alone in the cheering, some Irish people were cheering as well. I’m not sure why, but I did think of this whilst reading the book, and I thought I’d pass it on. Maybe I’m just upset that the shirt didn’t elicit the Boo’s that you would associate with a Panto-Villain.

So the bottom line is, I would strongly recommend, 'Tickling The English', it would make a wonderful Christmas Gift as would, ‘Please Do Not Encourage This Nonsense by Purchasing This Book’.

Proudly Boring Simon Cowell to Tears

2009-10-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

My CBF 2009, Part Ten (Final Part)

2009-10-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

That’s it… It’s now over for me… After 34 readings, 28 Libraries, 2 Schools, 1 resource centre and a lot of Children, (I had originally intended to count the number of Children so that would have been a more impressive sentence.) It is all over for me… No more CBF 2009 for Paul Tubb.

The scene for my final 5 readings was county Donegal and I arrived in Letterkenny on Wednesday 21st at around 1900 hrs and made my way up to Letterkenny Quality Court Hotel, which would be my base for the next two days.

I got to the Hotel, had a panini and a wave of tiredness came over me so I went up to my room, talked to my wife and watched TV before going to bed.

I woke up early the following morning and sat in bed listening to, ‘The Kinks Choral Collection’ whilst drinking coffee. I then went down to breakfast, which was wonderful again, then rushed off to catch the 0830 bus to Raphoe.

Raphoe was the location of my first reading, and another success was had, although the Children seemed to be rather hesitant in their singing about giving their Coat Hangers names… But they certainly warmed up for the rest of the performance and wrote some wonderful Limericks. Afterwards I was told by a young boy that the poets I had provided in my hand out were very good, so this pleased me.

From Raphoe, I then got a taxi to Lifford library, a library that is joined to a restaurant which provides lovely coffee, I was to discover. The class this time were older and larger (in number rather than surface) than the previous one, but this did not seem to dispel them having a good time and enjoying my songs, poems and writing their own Limerick. Another enjoyable time was had. Although again, there seemed to be an aversion about wanting to sing that they give their Coat Hangers names, I started to wonder whether it was a Donegal thing.

Luckily the next group dispelled this myth by charging into the singing with a loud voice. They were another wonderful group, this time at Ballybofey Library. Wonderful Limericks were again written and many questions were asked. I was told that they found my poems and songs funny, which is something I love to hear. I was also asked if I have ever written any Christmas poetry, to which I replied that I have written an entire collection of Christmas verse which I hope to publish soon. I was then asked if I could read one, and I read my poem Misunderstood Christmas Lyrics which can be seen below.

After Ballybofey, I had to make my way back to Letterkenny and it was a tired poet who fell asleep on his return, only to be woken up by his wife phoning him.

The next day I was picked up by Wainfest organiser and Letterkenny Librarian, Ursula who took me to St. Johnston & Carrigans Resource Centre, for my first reading of the day. Two classes were expected and one was late. This gave the first class time to ask me for rhymes to various words, including Orange and most of their names. The second class entered, many of them in Halloween fancy dress, and we then begun. One of the teachers was a Tottenham fan, who after the reading asked about the availability of my book, so that pleased me. Again wonderful limericks were written, and I was asked to perform The Coat-Hanger Song again, so a great session was again had.

Ursula then drove me back to Letterkenny where I got to spend a couple of hours whilst she went back to the Library. She picked me up again and then we went to Ramelton Library for my final reading of the day, week, month and festival this year.

Ramelton Library is converted from an old Church and is a really nice library, in a lovely picturesque town. There is even an old pulpit, which I fancied reading from, although I didn’t.

Another successful reading was had, with wonderful Limericks, questions and giggling. A young boy asked if he could play my guitar, which I let him and he was very good. The teachers showed their appreciation by writing me a verse as well so again I was extremely happy.

I was then driven to Letterkenny Bus Station, to begin my journey back home and away from the festival.

Again I would like to extend my thanks to all Teachers, Librarians, Parent/Helpers and (Most Especially) To all the Children who I read to during the week.

And again I am upset that this festival is over. I do love October, and it is due to this festival. Here is hoping for more of the same next year.

If anyone is interested, I am doing a show for Adults in Bewleys Cafe on 5th November. Details can be found here. http://www.bewleyscafetheatre.com/upcoming.php

My CBF 2009, Part Nine

2009-10-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

I have spoken of my and my wife’s, love for Cork before, it was the place I moved to when I came to live in Ireland and there are so many things within Cork that we love to visit…

And fortunately, the Children’s Book festival allows me and my wife, to revisit Cork on a yearly basis. For all the years I’ve been doing the CBF, I’ve been in Cork county Libraries, all except this year, but Cork City Libraries are the one’s I shall be reading at this year, so the Poet shall go to Cork and his wife shall be accompanying him, which means a visual record of the event will be made and you do not just have to take the ramblings of myself as proof the events I am talking about happened.

So we got to Cork early Sunday afternoon and went for a walk through a few old haunts. Coffee was had in my favourite Coffee shop, Cork Coffee Roasters, (See picture) where we purchased some ground coffee as well.

My wife spent the evening with a friend of hers, whilst I did some work on Sunday evening… and then came Monday, which was the day of my first Cork readings this year.

And that is why anyone reads this blog isn’t it, you want to know about how the Children are enjoying my poetry and song, not about the poet and his wife and where they drink their coffee… But if I can be allowed one last digression…

on April 20th 2005, a poet and his wife began a journey from their house to Mayfield Library as part of the World book week celebrations. The poet was nervous as this was his first ever reading and he really hoped it would go well, after Mayfield it was on to Grand Parade for his second ever reading… This poet was me, so Cork is more than just my old residence and somewhere I love to visit, it is the place that I began what I am doing now.

But the story of my first reading is for another blog, we are back to Monday 19th October 2009 and we start with a lovely Breakfast with Coffee. We are then taken to Grand Parade Library which is the venue of my first reading.

Grand Parade is decorated with Balloons and posters and looks really nice. I set up my stuff, and wait for the Children to enter.

This may not be my first performance at Cork City Libraries, but it is my first with a guitar, and as the Children are seated, I begin with the Coat-Hanger Song and it is well received, so bang goes that myth about me not being able to play guitar well in Cork City Libraries. The session as a whole goes really well, and Limericks are well written by all… My poem, ‘Unwanted Spider’ seems to generate a lot of questions, including a young girl asking me why it wasn’t just flushed down the toilet or the plughole? I explained that there would have been no poem if I had done that, but I did suggest that this may be the scenario of another poem…

After Grand Parade I was taken to Bishopstown Library, a Library I have never been to before, and it was the venue of another great performance. Limericks and questions were good and after the performance a teacher asked us if she could purchase one of my books, and we hadn’t brought any with us… Oh Well. A video of me reading, ‘Tested on Animals’, from this session can be viewed below, it even has a bonus joke thrown in.

This was my last reading of the day, so me and my wife did many Cork based things in the afternoon, which I’m sure you all want to read about, but you won’t. Not here anyway.

The following morning, after an identical breakfast, we were then driven to Mayfield Library where it all began. Mayfield Library seems a lot bigger than it did before, but I was assured that no growing took place in the four and a half years since we were here.

An all boy group entered and seemed a bit shy, they didn’t seem to want to join in with the Coat-Hanger song, but they soon warmed up and seemed to enjoy my poems and songs. A Rock’N’Roll song was requested from me and it just so happens I had a perfect one to give them, my song about a Rock’N’Rolling Worm.

We were then taken to, Tory Top Library, another one we had never been to. We met up again with Eileen, the Librarian who was Children’s Librartian back in 2005 and who, therefore, gave me my poetic break, so that was good. She is mentioned in the acknowledgements of my book.

An all girl class came in an again an enjoyable session was had. This was a particularly giggly group and that is always good to hear when you intend to provide jocularity with what you write.

Our final destination of the day, and of Cork for this year, was Douglas Library. Now I have been there before, but it had changed so much, that it was like a new Library.

Our final class was again all boys, and an enjoyable time was again had. The Q & A session descended into a joke telling session and that is never a bad thing.

So then we went to Kent station and out of Cork for this year. Although we had such an enjoyable time, that we have decided we would like to come back before Christmas.

Home to Howth, and then on to my final destination for the CBF 2009, Donegal.

Photos from Cork can be seen below.

My CBF 2009, Part Eight

2009-10-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

I was in Mayo as planned on Thursday night, in my B&B by nine and phoning my wife who is still unable to accompany me on my journey. The train journey wasn’t too bad, although I was too tired to read, so I listened to The Kinks album, ‘Lola vs The Powerman and the Moneygoround.

Woke up and breakfasted, with coffee, early the following morning and then waited for Mary Murphy from Mayo county Libraries to pick me up and chauffer me around the Libraries of Mayo that I would be reading to today.

Whilst being taken from Castlebar to Kiltimagh, which was where my first reading was to take place, I noticed how lovely the Mayo Scenery was, and I’m sure my wife, with her passion and talent for artistic and nature photography, would have loved to have seen it too… but as we couldn’t stop to take photos, maybe it was a good thing she wasn’t accompanying us…

We got to Kiltimagh Library early, and sat having coffee and biscuits with Bridie, the Librarian there. A group of Children entered on time and it was the beginning of another wonderful session, although one of the boys in the group was an Arsenal fan and placed his fingers in his ears when I sang ‘Mis-Spelt Football Team Blues’. There was also a demonstration of how out of touch I am, when I was asked my favourite band, I answered, ‘The Kinks’ I was then besieged by numerous questions asking me my opinions of various pop stars, and there were a lot I’d never heard of… Again great Limericks and questions were had.

We then drove to Swinford Library for my second reading. Two schools were there for this reading and interestingly the teacher of one of the schools had taught the teacher of the other one. One Child asked me my age, this lead to guessing from the children eventually someone guessed correctly, only after some scandalous attempts… 50, do I look 50? Another great session with wonderful Limericks.

After Swinford we drove to our final destination, Charlestown. The reading was situated above the Library and again went wonderfully, with great Limericks and questions. After this reading we went to the Market Café for a lovely Sandwich with Chips.

I was then driven back to Castlebar Station to get the train back to Dublin, I had a two hour wait, so I took out my guitar and played it whilst sitting on an almost empty platform…

Again I would like to extend my thanks to all Teachers, Librarians, Parent/Helpers and (Most Especially) To all the Children who I read to during the week.

My CBF 2009, Part Seven

2009-10-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful question during my second reading in Kildare, but I’m jumping ahead of myself for no reason whatsoever…

I’m sure you’d like to hear about my first reading as well and maybe even my journey down.

Well, I started in my own house, for the last time during a day of reading for this festival, making my own breakfast. Me and my wife took the same train again, as I went from Howth to Connolly to Leixlip Confey.

Leixilip Library was where my first reading was to take place. I got there early and set up in a nice big Lecture room that is beside the Library. Around 50 children entered, with a teacher who approached me to tell me that they have been reading my poems and that he thinks they are very funny… So it was a happy poet who again begun with ‘The Coat Hanger Song’. The reading was another success and the Limericks and Questions were very good.

Then Gillian, from Kildare Libraries, came to pick me up and take me to Celbridge Library for my second reading of the day and where I received the excellent question mentioned in the first line of this entry. To explain this question, I need to give you a bit of background. Whilst reading my poem, ‘Tested on Animals’ a dog was barking outside, there is a relevance to this which you will know if you are familiar with the poem. I shall hopefully be posting a video of myself reading this verse whilst in Cork or it can be found on page 14 of my book. So during the Q and A session at the end, one girl asked if I had set up the dog barking as part of the poem… I loved this question for many reasons, but mainly for the fact that it’s presumed that I have a budget that extends to Dog training. The entire reading went exceptionally well again and many other wonderful questions were asked as well as Limericks written.

After Celbridge, Gillian drove me to Maynooth for my final reading of the day, and for Kildare this year. Before the reading we had lunch in a lovely hotel whose name escapes me, so whilst I would like to recommend it, I can’t as I don’t know what to recommend. If it helps, I had Lamb shank and it was delicious.

Then came the reading in Maynooth library, which again was a success. An all female group entered and enjoyment seemed to be had by all. Limericks were well written and many questions were asked, One girl had numerous wonderful questions for me and she was congratulated by her teachers for the quality of the questions. The class seemed to like talking about the Loch Ness Monster as well, and included in the class were two girls who had been down in a submarine. I have to admit that I instigated the Nessie based conversation due to one of my poems being about the Loch Ness monster.

After this reading, I rushed to Maynooth Train Station to get back to Connolly, although my final aim was not to get to Howth, I needed to get from Connolly to Heuston so that I could catch the last train to Mayo where I was hoping to read the next day and where I was staying over night…

Watch this space…

My CBF 2009, Part Six

2009-10-14T02:19:00.001-07:00

Monday 12th October:
I am now in my Resident County of Fingal starting at Blanchardstown Library. I say Resident County because I live in Howth, but getting from Howth to Blanchardstown seems anything but Resident.

But that is OK, because I always arm myself with books and CD’s for journeys of all size, so I was to be kept company for the two hours (Give or Take) it took to get me to Blanchardstown. I have finished the collection of Wodehouse stories mentioned in Part one and I am now reading James Thurber… I’m sure each of you is interested in that…

So I got to Blanchardstown reasonably early, and I set-up my stuff. The first session was to take place in the Library whereas the second was to take place in a Lecture room just off from the Library. There was a yoga class taking place in the Lecture room so this provided the necessity of the two rooms, if you are wondering.

The first classes entered and there was just under 60 Children with two teachers. I Went straight into the Coat-hanger song and this begun the an exceptionally enjoyable session. Limericks were good, although I heard one group say they had worked out a play, so when I asked them if they’d like to perform it they got shy and just read it instead.

Between sessions, I went next door to the Draiocht Theatre for a recommended coffee.

On my return I set up in the Lecture theatre and the next group entered. Now I know I said that the group in Sallynoggin last week were the most inquisitive group I’ve ever read to, but this group were as inquisitive, if not more.

The question session at the end lasted for ages and many different and diverse questions were asked. The first question was my favourite. Another Keen eyed child asked, ‘There is a picture of you on the back of that book, and you are wearing the same T-Shirt you now have on, do you wear the same clothes every day?’

This was an exceptionally enjoyable group, who asked me for more songs and more jokes. I wasn’t that tired as I went back to the Bus Stop to begin my journey home.

The following day I was in Swords for only one reading, which is a rare day for the CBF. Again the journey was very long considering I was in my resident County, but it was kept enjoyable as was the whole day.

My Dublin section is now over, I have a day off on Wednesday, then I will be travelling to Kildare and then straight to Mayo.

19 Performances and 4 Counties down, 16 Performances and 4 Counties to go.

My CBF 2009, Part Five

2009-10-11T02:29:00.000-07:00

3 Days worth of blogging to be done, I’ve been returning from the CBF too tired to Blog, so all sympathy will be appreciated.

So on Wednesday 7th October 2009, I was in Castletymon Library, Tallaght, South Dublin, and I had a hard time finding it.

The night before, I had tried to find the best way to get to Castletymon Library and I worked out it was to get the Luas from Connolly to Kingswood and walk… This was not the best way, I was to find out later, especially when one is to take a wrong turn and is travelling in the wrong direction as the writer of this Blog did… I phoned the Library to inform them of my dilemma, and they provided me with assistance and a lift, from Helen the Librarian… I eventually arrived at the destination 5 minutes late to find a group of Children waiting to hear poems and songs… I apologised for being late and started…

The show went exceptionally well and I discovered I must be in love with Leona Lewis… and this is the mental process that went into this discovery: Whilst reading a poem from my book, one sharp eyed child noticed that I had my picture on the back, concluding that I was wearing the same shirt (I was, it was my Charlie Brown T-Shirt) on the photo as I had on that moment… Keen minds of the Children present suggested that this must be the reason I was late as I was getting my photo taken to put on the back of the book… Then later in the reading, I took out the Pound-a-poem Book, which contains a poem of mine. I was just in the process of explaining what the book was, and read the poem of mine from it, when one of the Children noticed that the picture on the back of the Book was not me and enquired as to why. I told them it was Leona Lewis’s photo and was about to explain why it was her and not me, when a group of Children jumped to the assumption that I must be in Love with her, even though I tried to explain that I purchased the book, I did not design or print it, but it fell on deaf ears. This session went exceptionally well and the group had wonderful imaginations, this was borne out by their Limericks as well as their assumptions on why photographs are on the back of books.

The second, and final group, of the day, was late and small in number, there were only 7 of them, but a wonderful time was had again. The music was appreciated in fact so much so, that an area was cleared for dancing which was done with wild abandonment as dancing should be.

I then went home and had a power nap as I was so tired…

Thursday 8th October 2009, was National Poetry day in the UK, and I was in Ballyroan Library in plenty of time, and sat having coffee with the Librarians. Two successful readings were again had. The first was a group of 57 Children who seemed to enjoy my songs and poems and who wrote wonderful Limericks. My Song, New Shoes Blues, received an accusation that I had stolen from Zoey 101, my response was a truthful, ‘I’ve never watched an episode Zoey 101 in my life’.

The second group, and final performance in South Dublin for the CBF 2009, was made up of two schools, and again a wonderful time was had by all. My autograph was requested by all children present, but I had to refuse a young boy who wanted his arm autographed, and he kept insisting despite constant refusals. This year was my first trip to South Dublin Libraries, and a most enjoyable time was had by me there…

Again it was a tired but happy poet who returned to Howth.

On Friday 9th October 2009, I was back in Dun Laoghaire/Rathdown Libraries. My first two performances brought me back to Sallynoggin, which was the venue of my first performance during the Children’s Book Festival way back in 2005.

The first group, I thought, was supposed to come in for 0900 hrs, until I got to the Library to find out that it was in fact 0915 hrs they were coming and they didn’t actually turn up until 0940… Unfortunately this meant that they only got a twenty minute session, as the other class was due at 1000 hrs. Although it was a short session, it was a most enjoyable one. The class was an all girl group, who seemed to enjoy my poems and songs, the teachers told me that they did.

The second group was from the same school as the first group and therefore all female. They were able to get the full hour and these Girls were the most inquisitive class that I have ever read to. Questions were asked all throughout the performance, ranging from ‘What inspired you to be a writer?’ to ‘Why don’t you like buying shoes?’

After this session, I was driven to my final library of the week and of Dun Laoghaire/Rathdown Libraries for CBF 2009, Cabinteely Library.

I got there early, and was given Coffee and biscuits, which is always good. I was looked after very well by the Librarians, Patricia and Brenda, who told me that they’d been reading my poems and they thought they were very funny… So I was pleased.

An all male group came in and seemed a bit shy in the beginning, hesitant to sing that they give their coat-hangers names, but they soon warmed up and a wonderful session to round off the week was had. One of the boys remarked that I used a lot of complicated words that he might not know, so I apologised, but he responded saying, ‘No that’s good for me.’ So that pleased me too.

So I got back to Dun Laoghaire dart station and had a fruity based wonder drink from the Zumo, juice bar, situated there. I was going to take advantage of being in Dun Laoghaire and take a trip to Hughes and Hughes, but a combination of the rain, feeling tired and having to much stuff to carry with me, meant that I decided to grab the first Dart back to Howth. Which I did.

Before I sign off this Blog, I would like to say a bit about, Flanimals. That’s correct, I said Flanimals. You see, I’m a huge fan of the series created and written by Ricky Gervais and illustrated by Rob Steen and one day, I decided, (Probably due to being bored) to take the stickers that came free with, ‘Flanimals of the Deep’, and place them all over my Guitar. This may have been an error as a few Children I read to want to talk Flanimals with me rather than my poems. I get comments like, ‘I love Flanimals, which is your favourite?’ or, ‘What are they on your Guitar?’ Which then means I have to explain what Flanimals are. And although I’m happy to talk Flanimals, there is a time and a place. But it’s my own fault, I really should have found another home for them.

So next week, I’m in Fingal and then I leave Dublin to go to Kildare and Mayo. My Anticipation levels are high…

Again I would like to extend my thanks to all Teachers, Librarians, Parent/Helpers and (Most Especially) To all the Children who I read to during the week.

My CBF 2009, Part Four

2009-10-06T08:01:00.000-07:00

Ah! What would life be like without the contrary weather that seems to exist on these two islands?

An extremely wet poet today, as I walked from my house to the Dart station, Pearse Dart Station to the Luas at St Stephens Green, and then from Dundrum - Luas Stop to Dundrum Library. All in the Lovely Dublin Rain that wasn’t even hinted at during the lovely autumnal day that was yesterday. I had my wife’s company again up to Connolly, but she could not come and take photos again.

Oh well, the wet poet made his way up to the library and set up and sat drinking coffee waiting for the class to arrive. On my arrival I saw a poster saying, ‘Latest Copy of the Beano available here.’ And that can never be a bad thing.

48 wet little people came in and situated themselves in front of me and then I began. Laughs were heard as I read my poems and sang my songs, and an enjoyable time was had by all, I think. I no longer do feedback forms at the end of sessions so I can only go by the giggles and thank you’s I receive at the end.

After Dundrum, I was driven up to St Lawrence School in Stillorgan, where I was shown into Mr Clarke’s Classroom whilst many young boys sat eating their Lunch. After I set up, the boys finished their lunches and the boys in the class opposite came to join us.

I sang songs, read my poems to another enthusiastic group. Limericks were great again and many questions were asked, including many asking where my poetry can be purchased.

So an enjoyable day was had. I’m in South Dublin tomorrow, returning to DLR on Friday.

My CBF 2009, Part Three

2009-10-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

So today begun my Dublin Shaped Hole in my CBF Schedule… I’ll be in the capital from today until next Tuesday, taking in Dun Laoghaire and Rathdown, South Dublin and my resident county of Fingal…

This has many advantages, I am at home every night, I see my wife every night, and I can upload my Blog every day…

But I have to make my own Breakfast and start each day with an instant coffee.

I know how pathetic that sounds, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Oh poor little poet, has to make his own breakfast.’ So we shall move on.

I started out today, on the same Train as my wife, so that was good… My wife had to go to work, so she got off at Connolly, which meant I had no photographer, so I’ve got no visual document of today’s readings, but it did happen, you can take my word for it.

We travelled during rush hour, which is interesting when you have a guitar. I realise why John Hegley, (Another Musical Poet) travels with a mandolin… I planned to alight at Dalkey, which is what I did, for my first Dublin reading.

I arrived at Dalkey Library at around 0940 hrs and was then told to situate myself by the Reading Tree they have there. This was where my performance would take place. At around 1000 hrs, around 52 children entered and one of their teachers approached me to let me know that she had witnessed my performance previously in Blackrock, and had been impressed and was really looking forward to this performance. This really pleased me, so it was a happy poet who started with the Coat-Hanger Song.

This section went wonderfully well again, Limericks were great from the Children and I think my poetry was enjoyed. After the reading, Oonagh from DLR Libraries came to pick me up to take me to Shankhill Library.

I got very paranoid at Shankhill library, because my session was to start at 1300 hrs and at 1320 hrs, there was no sign of an audience for me to read to, I was worried that they had studied my poetry in school and decided it wasn’t worth making the small journey to see me… Eventually, after the Librarian had gone to see what the trouble was, they arrived and there had just been a mix-up… I decided, for the first time, due to the late arrival that we would forego the Limerick section, and the session was another success. I was told I was funny and cool and all wanted, and received, my autograph.

Looking forward to Dundrum and Stillorgan tomorrow.

My CBF 2009, Part two

2009-10-04T03:08:00.003-07:00

Today, I read to the unfortunate children whose schools are not being used as polling stations for the Lisbon Treaty referendum, therefore they had to go to school whilst other young people had the day off…

I can sympathise, my school was never used as a polling station, and I remember at least once being driven to another school later in the evening whilst my Parents exercised their democratic rights.

The kids I read to today, didn’t seem to mind they had to be in school…

The day started, again, with breakfast including Coffee, and then Edel, from Clare County Libraries, came to pick us up at the B & B to take us to Skariff Library, a lovely new Library which I would not be reading at…

When we got there we were told that I was actually going to the school itself to read and we were all driven up to a School by the name of, ‘Raheen Wood’ a Steiner School in a lovely wooded area.

The School was made up of many wooden huts and buildings, one of which we were taken too by one of the Students, and a few minutes later around 50 children shuffled in with their own chairs. This school were really prepared and had studied many of my poems, sometimes reading along with me. It was a most enjoyable reading, finishing off with a tour of the school and most impressive it was.

After the tour, we travelled to Killaloe, with the aim of me reading at the library there. Before this we went to a lovely Coffee shop and Deli called, ‘The Coffee Pot’, Highly recommended for eating and drinking if you find yourself at Killaloe, Co Clare.

After this I did my last reading of the week, and last for County Clare during this festival. A group of around 40 females were read and sung too, and again it went exceptionally well, I was told by a young girl that, ‘Don’t ever stop, because you make Children happy and if you were to stop Children will be sad, do you want to make Children Cry?’

I don’t think I’ve ever received such a wonderful comment, or such a large responsibility, I hope I’m up to it.

We then got back to Ennis, where we were staying for the evening, where my wife and I went into Ennis Town for the evening. Enjoying Traditional Irish Food at a Pub called, ‘The Merchant’, and then some Traditional Irish Music in a Pub called Brogans.

In all an enjoyable time was had in Clare, thank you to Patricia, Irene, Edel, My wife Daria, all Librarians, all teachers and especially all the Children I read too.

Here are some photos of today.

My CBF 2009, Part one

2009-10-04T02:54:00.000-07:00

And we’re off… First day completed, 3 shows down, 32 to go. I’m now back at the B&B typing this up, (But unable to post it to the website until The Weekend.) Before we go out into Ennis again.

My festival technically started on Tuesday purchasing guitar strings and various remedies and preventions from the Chemist… But It was a pretty uneventful trip, I didn’t even see any one trying to convince me how I need to vote in the Lisbon Referendum, so I decided nobody needed to hear about this trip, and I therefore I need not blog about it…

Then there was Wednesday, which found myself and my wife, leaving our home in Howth and making the Journey by Dart, Luas, Train, and then another train before we got to Ennis, as well as my wife, I was accompanied with a collection of Stories from the Master, P.G. Wodehouse (See Picture). We got to our B&B in Ennis at around 1900 hrs, but the journey wasn’t eventful enough to Blog about, so I will not. I will mention, that we went in to Ennis for the first time and found a lovely Chinese Restaurant called, The Prince Dragon.

And then, we came to Thursday, and the purpose of this Blog, my first day of the 2009 Children’s Book festival and Poetry Ireland day.

The day started with a lovely Breakfast with Coffee, then Irene, from Clare Libraries, came to pick us up. We then drove to Kildysart Library where I was to begin the festival. A group of over 50 Children entered the Library on time and I started with, ‘The Coat-Hanger’ Song. The group were exceptionally enthusiastic, and the poetry seemed to be enjoyed. The Limerick section went very well, and it was a wonderful way to start the festival. The children had already studied my poem, ‘Football in the Classroom’.

After that event, we then drove to Newmarket-on-Fergus for my second reading. Due to getting stuck behind slower vehicles we were late getting to the Library, but on our arrival, we discovered so were the Children, so I used this to my advantage and got my photo taken with some childhood heroes of mine (See photos below)

When the children arrived, another wonderful performance was had and they were another wonderfully enthusiastic group. A video of me performing my song, ‘Got New Shoes Blues’, at this Library can be seen below. There was some confusion between the City of Limerick and the Limerick poems whilst trying to explain the Limerick section, but I must have achieved it eventually, as again wonderful Limericks were written.

After this Library we were then driven to Shannon Library, which was my final library for the day. Two schools were read to in one session, one was a Gael Scoil. Another wonderful session was had by an exceptionally enthusiastic group. I was told, that I was very good, by a young girl who put her hand up especially to make this statement. When I asked if any of them had heard of the Blues, one Boy answered, ‘it’s music that old people listen too…’ Now, I know that I can officially be called old now, but I’ve been listening to the Blues since I was a teenager, have I always been old?

After this reading we were taken to a restaurant over the road from the Library for a lovely toasted special. And then driven back to the B&B, and that is where I am now, writing this…

As promised here is a video of me performing my old persons music…

My Beautiful Mommy

2009-09-17T02:29:00.000-07:00

There is a Children’s Book on the Market that helps Children feel better when their Mother has plastic surgery, it’s called, ‘My Beautiful Mommy’ and just the idea of it is beyond ghastly…

But it is popular… Now I really do not think that children’s Literature should exist simply to make adults feel better about their life choices, but hey I’ve got to eat…
So I have written a very similar book, which is entitled: ‘I’ve got Self-Esteem issues Kid, just deal with it, you’ll probably have them as well.’

It has a Seussian flavour, told completely in rhyme and it is as follows.

Mommy’s Breasts are bigger now
And I am going to tell you how.
I hated the fact they were small and saggy
They looked Old Maidy and Old Haggy.
So I got the phone book and I looked
For a plastic surgeon and I booked
An appointment for that day at half past three
I woke up after my operation and I did see
These two things which are much bigger,
And they really improve my figure.
They’re firm and big and all the guys
Cannot stop looking due to there size.
I can no longer breast feed, now they’re grown,
As the milk will taste like silicone.
But I hope the size does not scare
You, actually I really don’t care.
It’s for my self esteem, it’s not for you,
It may be selfish but look at these two.

Any publishers reading please contact me at Onlyjoking@donotcontactthisemail.com

Keillor or Brown?

2009-09-17T01:53:00.000-07:00

I have just found out that Garrison Keillor has a new, Lake Wobegon, Novel coming out this month. Entitled,'Pilgrims' and blurbed as a Wobegon romance and featuring the Krebsbach’s among others… This makes three Lake Wobegon books in as many years.

I rediscovered, Garrison Keillor and Lake Wobegon last Thanksgiving… Myself and my Wife went to spend Thanksgiving in her native Wilkes-Barre, PA… During one of my trips to the Arena Hub, Barnes and Noble, I purchased, ‘Pontoon’. I finished this and was so impressed that I purchased the just published, ‘Liberty’ at Philadelphia airport. After completing this book, I re-read Lake Wobegon Days and stories from, ‘Leaving Home’.

And now another book is to be published, and I am looking forward to reading it. I’ve got to admit with the publication of a collection of Keillor’s Sonnet’s released, I did not expect there to be a Wobegon Novel to follow the other two… Not sure why not.

This has presented a quandary for me, not a big deal, but I thought I’d blog anyway, I am going to be spending my October doing the Children’s Book festival, and afterwards preparing for my first solo show for Adults… I thought afterwards I’d purchase the new Dan Brown as a treat for myself, (Yes I loved the DaVinci Code), But now this book is coming out, I think I’d prefer this one… in these recession bound days only one book can be bought, if that… Thank heavens for Libraries…

Now I discover that Garrison Keillor has another book coming out in November entitled, ‘A Christmas Blizzard’, that I definitely want to read due to my admiration for Keillor and love for all things Christmassy…

It’s been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, Minnesota my home town…

Roald Dahl Day

2009-09-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Roald Dahl Day... A wonderful idea to celebrate one of the worlds greatest wordsmith's...

3 years ago, On Roald Dahl day 2006, I did a reading of my and Roald Dahl's verse for Children in Cork City. It was so enjoyable, and I wrote the verse below expecially for it...

Hope it is enjoyed, and you all have a great Roald Dahl Day.

Roald Dahl Day

Any fan of Roald Dahl knows
He was a wizard when it came to prose.
And, although a great story he did tell
He also wrote great verse as well.
Like ‘Revolting Rhymes’ and ‘Rhyme stew’
His stories contained great rhymes to.
The 4 naughty Golden Ticket winners all had
A rhyme that showed us why they were bad.
So many great poems he did create
So I would like to celebrate
These rhymes and I’d also like to say
Have a Scrumdiddlyumptious Roald Dahl day

Roald Dahl Funny Prize Shortlists announced

2009-09-08T01:08:00.001-07:00

So the Shortlists for the Roald Dahl Funny Prize have been unveiled, and my collection of verse is not amongst them... And I am disappointed, even though I never seriously expected it to be, I was hoping.

The News articles about the shortlist appear to be surrounding the fact that David Walliams debut book, 'The Boy in the Dress' is shortlisted. (Even the Official Press Release from Booktrust seems to be all about this book.)

I read the book, and I really enjoyed it... Although I thought the book more of a Tender Growing up story with the odd funny passage, than a laugh out loud funny book...

Oh well… This will be my last attempt at trying to win this award… I hope The Judges at least enjoyed reading my verse.

Well done to all the authors shortlisted… The Shortlists are:

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The funniest book for children aged six and under

The Great Dog Bottom Swap by Peter Bently, illus. Mei Matsuoka (Andersen Press)

Octopus Socktopus by Nick Sharratt (Alison Green Books)

Elephant Joe is a Spaceman! by David Wojtowycz (Alison Green Books)

Crocodiles Are the Best Animals of All! by Sean Taylor, illus. Hannah Shaw (Frances Lincoln)

Mr Pusskins Best in Show by Sam Lloyd (Orchard Books)

The Pencil by Allan Ahlberg, illus. Bruce Ingman (Walker Books)

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The funniest book for children aged seven to fourteen

The Galloping Ghost by Hilda Offen (Catnip Publishing)

Eating Things on Sticks by Anne Fine, illus. Kate Aldous (Doubleday)

Grubtown Tales: Stinking Rich and Just Plain Stinky by Philip Ardagh, illus. Jim Paillot (Faber and Faber)

The Boy in the Dress by David Walliams, illus. Quentin Blake (HarperCollins)

Purple Class and the Half-Eaten Sweater by Sean Taylor, illus. Helen Bate (Frances Lincoln)

Ribblestrop by Andy Mulligan (Simon & Schuster)

Not Only JK Rowling, But Also????

2009-08-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

My first experience of Harry Potter, was taking my younger brother to see the first film, The Philosophers Stone, in 2001... It was enjoyed by all, and Patrick, my brother, went head first into the Harry Potter world purchasing books and looking forward to the books and films, but I was quite content to wait for the second film...

In 2003, myself and my then Girlfriend (Soon to be Fiancee, then wife and still is) acquired a spare copy of, 'The Order Of The Phoenix'(How we did it is a Long Story), and I decided to read it...

I enjoyed the book, and read the two that followed, enjoying J.K. Rowling's storytelling, whilst still going to see the films at the Movie Theatre.

It's only been this month that I have made the decision to read the first four books, and I got, The Philosophers Stone, for my Birthday (One Day after Harry Potter's and Miss Rowling's) and on the back of the front cover, was a picture of the Author standing in front of a full bookcase...

To her right, quite clearly can be seen Harry Thompson's wonderful biography of one of my Comic Heroes, Peter Cook, and I wonder if Peter Cook is an influence on JK Rowling.

Her books do contain a surreal humour and funny names like Mundungus Fletcher, so it is very possible that she could have been influenced by people like Cook or Spike Milligan, but I wonder if he is and how much of an influence he is?

I also wonder if any of the characters could have been played by Peter Cook? I think Cook would have made a great Ollivander, or even Cornelius Fudge... but maybe not as good as the actors who do play them... (Film Acting was not Peter Cook's Forte.)

Still I am curious and may investigate further.

Michael Jackson, Something relatively Topical

2009-08-16T06:02:00.000-07:00

John Lee Hooker, Bo Diddley, Otis Redding, Big Bill Broonzy, Arthur Lee, Jimi Hendrix, Phil Lynott, Muddy Waters…

Oh, sorry, you have just interrupted me whilst I am making my list of Dead Black People who, in my humble opinion, had more talent, musically, than Michael Jackson… This is just a sample, the list is a lot longer than this.

There has been a lot of garbage in the news regarding the death of this man, news items like, the worlds best entertainer ever, Fountain of nothing but good in this world etc…

But the one I find particularly grating is that he was the first Black performer to cross over and appeal to a white audience…

This is a fabrication beyond all fabrications…

What about the old Bluesmen in the 1960’s, who discovered they were influencing the likes of the Rolling Stones and decided to use this to their advantage and tour Europe?

What about Otis Redding’s often talked about appearance at the Monterey Festival.

What about Jimi Hendrix, Arthur Lee, Phil Lynott about whom can be said, that their audiences were mainly made up of white people.

What about so many other examples that I’m not going to write down?

I want to take nothing away from Michael Jackson, he achieved a lot and was loved by many, but there needs to be a limit to the platitudes…

Last week Les Paul Died, there has not been the same level of adulation for him, but I wouldn’t have expected there to be… He and his family would probably not have wanted there to be…

But some would argue that he did achieve more…

It’s the age we live in…

London Olympics 2012

2009-07-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, Has it not been a long time since I Blogged? Well it could have been longer, maybe I could have left it a day, or a month, or a year... Is there anyone analysing my time on this Blog?

Well anyway I've had nothing to say... Still haven't if truth be told, but I will post a poem that I have written especially to commemorate the Olympics in London 2012... I hope it is enjoyed.

London 2012

The Olympic Games from London
Start tonight at Twelve Past Eight.
I’ll be in front of the TV
And I won’t be a second too late.
I thought that they’d start yesterday,
But they did not arrive
And I got to the TV early,
At least quarter past five.
I sat there all the night
Flipping channels just to see
The Olympic games from London
Opening ceremony.
My Mother says I’ve misunderstood,
But the signs they clearly state,
London Games: 2012, although
It doesn’t mention a date.

My First Book Review.

2009-06-09T12:30:00.001-07:00

My book has received it's first review, from a magazine called, 'Books Ireland'

The review, seen below, is mainly complimentary and I am pleased with it.

Poetry Off by Heart

2009-06-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

One of my proudest Verse-based moments of my life, occurred in Blackrock, Co Dublin. During a reading to children, I was approached by three young girls and told very proudly that the class had learned to read together, ‘Christmas In July’ a poem of mine.

When it came time for me to read this verse I decided to turn it over to them, and get them to read it. To hear my own words read back to me from 30, or so, loud, but young, voices was a wonderful experience and it might have brought a tear to my eye if it wasn’t for this macho image I insist on maintaining and portraying to the world. I was even willing to allow the class to falter on the last two lines, which most seemed to, I was that impressed and pleased, but this was more than one of the young girls, who had told me originally about their learning of the poem, was going to allow them to do. She seemed quite appalled at her faltering fellow classmates and, hands on hips, said the last two lines with more conviction because of it.

I was reminded of this event when viewing the following article: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/5369739/More-poetry---please.html

This article deals with the importance of learning verse from heart, and I will be honest it is something I have never thought of before.

I know that my own schooling on poetry was exceptionally weak, the only thing I remember was seeing a television programme that contained Roger McGough and Michael Rosen, two men who I am still in awe of today and after this programme we were told that poetry can rhyme but it doesn’t have to and being asked to write two poems one that did rhyme and one that didn’t. That was the extent of my poetic schooling. Stephen Fry dedicates ‘The Ode Less Travelled’ to a teacher who helped awake his mind to the wonderfulness of poesy… I can honestly say that not one of my teachers will ever get a book dedicated to them.

We were certainly never told, or taught, to learn verse off by heart and it appears that this is still true, according to this article.

I’m not sure how this can be, when there are more organisations, festivals that include young people and push from the media these days then when I was young, but I agree with this article, something still needs to be done.

I travel up and down the Ireland, reading my poems and singing my songs, but only at certain times of the year, ‘Poetry Ireland’ The organisation who are there, apparently, to promote poetry in Ireland does not want me to be part of their ‘writers in schools’ initiative, so roll on the various festivals I’m involved in.

Learn poetry by heart, a wonderful idea, in fact…

Buy my book, learn all the poems so you can read them by heart and as the book is no longer is needed as a book, it can be used as a fan to keep you cool in the, hopefully, upcoming hot weather.

Hear is a video of me reading the poem mentioned above off by heart.

Thank you.

Who on Earth am I going to vote For??????

2009-06-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Who on Earth am I going to vote for in tomorrows Local and European Elections?

First, here is who I’ve eliminated.

The Greens – I voted them No1 in the General Election and they have disappointed me in Government.
Fine Gael – How dare they insult the voters by choosing Sinead Sheppard as one of their candidates. She had to Google the party when she was asked to stand. Do they seriously believe that voters are so obsessed with the vile celebrity culture that they will choose a reality television star to represent them?
Fianna Fail – The Country is in trouble, Brian Cowen’s Waffling will not save anyone.

So I still have many choices, but I have no firm favourite in mind…

Only one potential candidate has visited our house and this candidate is getting a vote from me, but if this is like the general election where you number many, then that leaves the rest with all to play for so to speak…

Who will I vote for?

Performance of my Poetry

2009-05-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

My Dentist

Competition Open to All Schools in Dublin

2009-05-18T03:07:00.000-07:00

Are you in to win?

Poet, Paul H Tubb, is offering one lucky school the opportunity to win a signed copy of his new collection of poetry, ‘Please Do Not Encourage This Nonsense by Purchasing This Book’, and a free visit from Paul to their school to perform his poems & songs and to discuss life as a poet with the Children.The Competition is open to all schools in Dublin that meet the criteria set out in the rules
below. To Enter the Competition simply answer the following question, and also in no more that 30 words, explain why your school will benefit from a visit from Paul.

The Question is:
Who wrote ‘Revolting Rhymes’?
Was it:
a) Roger McGough
b) Hilaire Belloc
c) Roald Dahl
e) Dr Seuss
f) Michael Rosen

E-mail your answer and explanation to PDNETNBPTB@Hotmail.com,; no later than midnight, Friday, 29th May 2009. The result will be announced on Wednesday 3rd June 2009.

Your Prize: Paul will Visit your school during the week of the 8th of June 2009.

Rules:
Competition is only open to schools in County Dublin
Competition only open to schools which contain Children aged 7 to 10.
Answers to be submitted to Paul ONLY by Teachers, Administration staff, Librarians or
Parents. Students please ask your Parent, Librarian, Teacher or other school Staff to help.
All entries to be received no later than midnight, Friday 29th May 2009.

Official Launch of My Poetry Collection

2009-05-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

Press Release for Book Launch
Saturday 16th May 2009
Baldoyle Library, Fingal

Poet/Humorist/Singer-Songwriter Paul H. Tubb has recently put together a collection of his most Ridiculous Rhymes and illustrations, and decided to call it, ‘Please Do Not Encourage This Nonsense by Purchasing This Book: Poems by Paul H. Tubb’.

The Book, a delightfully funny collection that will make even the most disheartened person forget about the state of the world today, is being launched officially on 16th May 2009 at Baldoyle Libraries, Baldoyle, Fingal between the hours of 1400hrs and1500hrs.

It would mean a lot to the poet for you to attend, there will be readings from the book, Refreshments, Copies of the book there for purchasing and signing and Paul may even bring his Guitar and play a song or more.

For further information contact the poet himself @ pttheumrst@hotmail.com or by phone at 085-1407298.

Congratulations Carol Ann Duffy

2009-05-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

Although I said (In my last post) that I wanted the Post to go to Roger McGough, I am pleased that it has gone to Carol Ann Duffy.

She is a great poet and a fine ambassodor, she will, I am sure, do the role well.

So Congratu;ations to our new Poet Laureate.

Laureatically Speaking

2009-04-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

As the Day approaches when Andrew Motion and his notebook will no longer be welcome at the Palace to drink tea and discuss, rhyme, meter and metaphor and how it applies to the modern Royal Family, there is much speculation as to whom the role will be awarded to next.

William Hill’s odds for the next Laureate can be found here, there is a campaign to ensure that the next laureate is a female and Wendy Cope still has high odds despite the fact that she has scorned the role itself and said that she would not accept it if it was offered…

So as L-Day approaches and the excitement reaches fever pitch, due to an unprecedented state of affairs existing, never has a fixed term Laureate come to the end of the tenure. Before Mr Motion, the reason you left the Laureateship was when you breathed your last, but when Mr Motion leaves he will be breathing and I hope this is the case for many years to come…

So what do I want to happen? Well, I would like them to update the position so that the future Laureate will be an ambassador for British poetry as a whole, not just someone who tosses off the odd rhyme for a family that anyone would find it hard to write about, but that is not going to happen. So I would like it to go to Roger McGough, I think he deserves it, he is a wonderful word-juggler who would do the role justice and he is the reason, probably, that I write poetry. (Although this in itself is not reason to give it to him.)

But I do not just want it to be awarded to him, I would like a chain of events to take place that sees Roger McGough receive the award.

In 1999 Tony ‘Part of the Rock’N’Roll Generation’ Blair, did not want Carol Ann Duffy to be Laureate because, of her sexuality, so I hope she is offered the post and she tells them that, ‘You didn’t want me last time so Sod off.’. Then it is awarded to Wendy Cope who tells them, ‘Did you not hear what I said?’ and then after much embarrassment, they decide to offer it to Mr McGough who was the best person for the role in the first place…

Apparently Carol Ann Duffy has been offered the role so we will see…

Collection of Nonsense/Comic Verse Available

2009-04-19T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hi,

A new collection of Comic/Nonsense Verse, For Children, called, ‘Please Do Not Encourage This Nonsense by Purchasing this Book: Poems By Paul H. Tubb’, is available for purchasing.

23 Poems Not about Football, 11 that are about Football and 5 limericks. Paul H. Tubb has put these together, with some illustrations, into a handy book form so that they can be read at anyone’s leisure. Funny Rhyming poems that will delight Children of all ages. Poems about subjects such as Strange Christmas’s, Tone Deaf Dentists and the worlds worst stuntman among others. To learn more, please click on the link below.

America the Poetic.

2009-04-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

America land of freedom, Dreams, Root Beer and Poetry…

That is correct, April is America’s National Poetry month and if I may say so, it seems that this would be a great opportunity for Americans, with Children or a sense of humour, to make a purchase of my collection of poetry mentioned here, and it can be purchased here.

But that is enough marketing and attempted selling from me, I’d like to talk about America and American poetry to commemorate National Poetry month. I love America, it has to be said. I love America and Americans so much, that I married, and remain happily married to, one… Obviously I’m not going to love all Americans a country that size is not going to produce 100% wonderful people, but within my family and during my 5 trips so far to America I have never met one I didn’t like… Even the Barman in ‘Buddy Guy’s Legends’ who demanded a tip from me, I hold no grudges to, or the old woman who blatantly took a cab that I had stopped whilst in New York, I can but admire her nerve…

But I am digressing, I would like to talk about American Poetry… America has produced many of my favourite poets, there is the obvious influences, Ogden Nash, Theodore Giesel, Phyllis McGinley, Tim Burton, then there are the others, Edgar Allan Poe, T.S. Elliot, Dorothy Parker and many others… There are also many Humorists from America, whom I love, that have dabbled in poetry like, Garrison Keillor and Mark Twain. It is a dream of mine to go to America and read my poetry to Children there, something I would love to achieve sooner rather then later, but I can wait. One of my favourite places in America is the Barnes & Noble at the, ‘Arena Hub Mall’ in my wife’s native town of Wilkes-Barre PA. It’s a huge bookstore full of books and CD’s and there is a Starbucks there, what’s not to like? Many a time I have been deposited there, whilst my wife and her mother go and shop or some other activity that does not require me. I would love to spend a sustained amount of time there reading my poems to a, hopefully, receptive audience.

So although I do not live in America, and therefore it is technically not my Poetry month, I still wish all Americans a happy poetry month and I will in, essence, be celebrating Poetry and especially American Poetry this month.

And I shall finish with a little tale about America, me and one of my favourite American Poets… Whilst on a trip to New York in December 2004, I decided, as I was in New York, that I would try and purchase some Ogden Nash… Shockingly I went to about 8 shops and could not find anything by Ogden Nash, it seems that New York was Bereft of Ogden Nash poetry… How is this possible? One of many humorists associated with the great New Yorker magazine and he was not to be found anywhere… I even went into a Barnes & Noble and asked the store assistant who, had never heard of him and who when I asked if she would search, she entered in ‘Augden Nash’ into the search engine…

Hopefully there are many Americans enjoying poetry in USA this month and many New Yorkers given the opportunity of reading Ogden Nash…

Happy Birthday Mr Heaney

2009-03-29T07:57:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading 'Stepping Stones' Interviews with Seamus Heaney and I am currently enjoying it.

Yesterday 'Poetry Now festival', paid tribute to Him turning 70 and it was a well deserved tribute that I wished to, but could not, attend.

Last year I read to the Children for The DLR Poetry Now Festival and also reading during this festival was Seamus Heaney...

I was really looking forward to meeting Seamus Heaney, at one of the many dinners arranged for the participants of the festivals or failing that at his reading that was occurring on Friday evening.

I had my copy of 'Death of a Naturalist' ready for the great man to sign, I wanted to tell him that I enjoyed his poetry and how much I appreciated being part of the same festival as he was...

So on the Thursday evening as I entered the Hotel to eat with poets and thinkers and feel out of place, I had a quick look around for the distinctive head of white hair and could not see it... I met many wonderful people that night, but no Seamus Heaney.

My reading was the following day and as it was for Children I knew he would not be there...

Our second meal was later that afternoon and again it was Seamus Heaney-less, but that was OK Seamus Heaney's reading was later that afternoon and I was going to attend.

I was going to go, with my copy of, 'Death Of A Naturalist' and queue to get it signed, but my Wife was ill and I attended the reading myself, and afterwards I was too worried about my wife to queue to get my copy signed and banter wittily with a wonderful poet.

But hopefully he was going to be in the Hardy Bar later talking to anyone who wanted to talk to him, so I went up to see my wife who told me to stop worrying about her and to go and circulate... I did as I was told but Mr Heaney was not there.

I left the festival with an unsigned copy of, 'Death of a Naturalist' and it remains unsigned to this day and maybe for ever.

Oh well, at least I can still enjoy the poetry inside...

I will use this blog though, to Thank him for all the Poetry and to wish him all the best as he begins his 71st year by celebrating his 70th birthday...

Happy Birthday Mr Heaney...

Picturegate... Why, Why, Why...

2009-03-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

As Voltaire said, “I don't agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

Well I don’t draw pictures of the Taoiseach naked as the thought of it makes me quite queasy, but if you wish to spend your time doing that then go ahead…

Now I didn’t see the original broadcast, but I did see the apology. All I know of the original broadcast is what Vincent Browne has been telling us, they showed it twice and they went down his torso to show his stomach…

Brian Cowen’s humourless response to his pictures and actually using the Garda and the national broadcaster as his own personal service, would be quite disturbing, if he’d actually make a good dictator. You see however despicable and evil Tyrannical Dictators have been, they always had that certain bit of charm and character or they wouldn’t have got where they are, Brian Cowen has none of these so his attempts to turn us into a police state will fail miserably…

You would have thought that being a really un-popular Taoiseach would mean that Brian Cowen would like to keep a low-as profile as he possibly could, but now he is displaying his ineptness when he does not have too…

Oh how I Cringed...

2009-03-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

Did anyone else Cringe when Pat Kenny asked the young Breakdancer, Jack Lynch, if he'd ever thought of, 'Blackening his face up', as most Breakdancers are black?

It made for most uncomfortable viewing.

I'm a bit surprised.

2009-03-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

As I blogged last month about Jade Goody , I predicted there will be Queen of our hearts type headlines and quotes...

I thought that Princess Diana comparisons would come and I have been proven right... I just didn't expect them to come from Stephen Fry.

In his wonderful book, 'The Ode Less Travelled', he expresses his thoughts about the banality of reality television and modern culture...

I am a bit surprised that he would feel the need to celebrate it then...

Conclusive Proof that there is a war against Christmas

2009-03-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

Now as some of you may or may not be aware there is an alleged war against the sacred Christian holiday of Christmas, see here and here…

I now submit undisputable proof that there is nothing alleged about it, this war is real and the creators/practitioners of other feast days are in on the whole thing…

Valentines Day, a day that, before my marriage, I always seemed more unsuccessful with the female gender than any other day… Well this feast day was created by Warriors against the 25th December being known as anything other than the 25th December…

You think I’m talking gibberish don’t you, I bet you are surmising quietly to yourself that Paul is just being ridiculous and what possible proof does he indeed have?

Well I shall tell you…

Valentines Day is an Anagram of… DENY EVIL SANTA…

Absolutely, Creators and Practitioners of this day are trying, through subliminal messages and downright nasty tactics, to get young people to turn their backs on the cuddly, nice, jolly image of St Nicholas and embrace a small cherub like creature who is armed with a dangerous weapon…

See that is indisputable and cannot be denied, unlike Santa who should never be denied…

I rest my case…

Collection of Poetry Available...

2009-03-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

My Poetry Collection that I have been going on about constantly since October 2008 is now available for purchasing.

Comic/Nonsense verse suitable for Children of all ages... Further information can be found by clicking the link below...

Seachtain na Gaeilge

2009-03-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

As I have blogged before, I cannot speak a word of the beautiful Irish Language, and things have not changed since I wrote this blog.

So it was a bit surprising to be asked to provide a poetry/song performance for Children in Baldoyle Library for Seachtain na Gaeilge, The festival to promote the use of the language.

But asked I was and pleased I am that I was asked… I had another great reading/performance… My book was met with enthusiasm. As were my poems and songs…

The day started as usual, with a coffee and a breakfast… I made my way to Baldoyle library and tuned up…

The Children were being brought down by a bus and as there were so many of them, they were being brought in, in stages. Therefore, there were a group of Children sitting watching me drink my coffee as I was still waiting for others to come down.

Eventually, due to a delay with the bus… I was asked to start by introducing myself. Normally I would start with a song and then introduce myself… But I’m all for a change and I did this and was immediately met with questions…

As well as reading my poems and singing my songs, I mentioned that I shamefully have not made any attempts to learn Irish, despite the best intentions and I got them to teach me a few phrases and even got an Irish poem written and read by a small group of girls.

All in All an exceptionally enjoyable experience… And this time next year I hope to inform readers that I have made some attempt to learn Irish.

Library Ireland Week Part 2

2009-03-06T02:35:00.000-08:00

During the Q&A section of my performance on Monday I was asked this question, ‘What was the score of the Carling Cup Competition yesterday?’ Of course the question-asker did know the answer to the question, but as I predicted in Sundays blog, me being a Tottenham Hotspur fan would mean that I was to come into a bit of Friendly joking…

The day started, as is my norm, with a coffee and breakfast had at my house in Howth…
The Coffee was again instant due to another broken Cafetierre, but as it didn’t seem to affect me last time I read at Malahide (See Here) I wasn’t as concerned this time.

Catching the 0820 dart from my home town of Howth, I was in Malahide before 9 am and decided to try out a nice place called ‘The Coffee Scene’ for my pre-reading coffee…

I had a bit of time after this so I walked around Malahide before going to the Library. I was upstairs in the Library on this occasion and I found out it was to 70 Children I would be performing too.

And the performance went exceptionally well, except for the story I wrote about in my last Blog about a young experience with the library, that didn't seem to make anyone laugh… but that’s OK, because the poems were well received and the songs were exceptionally well received, I had enquiries about purchasing my poems and I was happy to inform anyone that I have a book coming out (reminder here.) My new song ‘Library Card Blues’ (Listen to here) went down really well, even though I, being a numpty, left my bottleneck at home. I was so pleased with the amount of giggles it got, and I was a bit surprised that at the end, I was asked to play the coat-hanger song again but not this one.

Anyway, after the reading I adjourned to Malahide’s Starbucks where I was impressed by exceptionally friendly staff...

If I have one complaint, it is that, witty comments from Manchester United fans aside, there was only one performance… normally I do two or three, but after this performance I really wanted to do another one and would have stayed in the room and performed to nobody, but that misses the point and looks rather sad.

But anyway, I have my first reading of 2009 down and it is hopefully the first of many…

Library Ireland Week

2009-03-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I am doing my first Poetry/Song Performance of 2009 as part of the Library Ireland Week, and I am looking forward to it immensely. The Performance will be too Children in Malahide Library.

I love visiting the Library and I think it is a wonderful to have a week set aside to acknowledge the wonderful service Libraries provide, but… My first memory with a Library is an unpleasant one… I shall proceed to explain why…

At a young age I was given a position of responsibility that I was obviously not ready for. We lived in a town in Hertfordshire called, Bishops Stortford and to two different tasks had to be attended to, one involved going to the Bishops Stortford Library to return books and this is the task I was given… My Mother asked me to return books to the Library and to meet her outside after she had performed the other task.

Now I was unaware of the etiquette of returning Library books by giving them to a Librarian, obviously I had been to the Library before this, but obviously had never returned books. So I carried these books into the Library and put them on the shelf… Obviously wanting to do the job properly I had to look around the Library to find similar books so they could go in their rightful place, but I remember the ordeal of locating these ‘rightful places’ being quite tormenting and eventually I placed these books anywhere I could.

As I left the Library, my Mother was cross at the length of time it had taken me to return books and we travelled home in silence…

A while later reminders and fines started coming to our house for the books that I was supposed to have returned… My parents were shocked, ‘these books had been returned.’ They reasoned and I could confirm this…

As time went by I learnt how to return books properly and I never owned up to how I had returned the books that first time I ever did it…

But hopefully, my journey to Malahide Library tomorrow will not be as disagreeable as this memory, but this reading is coming after a weekend of unhappy, for me, sporting results…

I will be unable to hide the fact that I am English, and some of the Children may mention the fact that Ireland beat England in the Rugby, but I’m more concerned with the Manchester United Fans amongst them mentioning and taking pleasure in, the fact that their team beat my team, Tottenham Hotspur, in the Final of the Carling Cup today… some of my songs and poems performed mention Tottenham and I let them all know that I am a Tottenham fan, but I’m sure I’ll be able to deal with any gloating coming my way…

To commemorate Library Ireland Week, I wrote a new song called ‘Library Card Blues’, and it can be listened too at my musical myspace page… www.myspace.com/failedrockstar/ I shall be writing another blog about this tomorrow…

Humourously Depressing.

2009-02-27T13:37:00.000-08:00

I got quite depressed yesterday…

I went to a bookshop in Dublin feeling, if not good, relatively OK… and after checking the poetry section, I walked over to the Humour section.

Within this section there were wonderful collections of exceptionally gifted humorists, such as Alan Coren, Woody Allen and SJ Perelman… But next to these collections were books like, ‘Potty, Fartwell and Knob’ which is a collection of funny names and ‘Who Writes this Crap’, too many words in the title, and other ‘Humour Books’ Of Dubious quality… The sight of these great Humorists in the same section as totally low-Humoured, unfunny books was what depressed me.

The master P.G. Wodehouse said that, ‘Humorists are looked down upon by the Intelligentsia’, I used to believe that this was due to Jealousy because of people’s inability to be humorous, now I’m not so sure. Maybe it is because the truly ghastly attempts at literature are humorous…

I believe Humour is exceptionally important… It is a belief I have that I have extended in the poetry and songs I write and perform to Children… I have been thinking about doing more regarding this, for a long time…

After this depressing episode yesterday, I believe I will…

Watch this space.

And other things...

2009-02-27T04:55:00.000-08:00

Et Cetera, is a Latin phrase that means, ‘And other things’

Therefore can somebody please explain why it is the title, and the phrase is included in, the Chorus of Irelands 2009 Eurovision.

The lyrics, apart from being ghastly beyond belief, are about some guy who, I think, can’t make up his mind between two girls, and it is sung from the viewpoint of one of the said girls. There is nothing in the song which makes the word (or words, it can be spelt one wordly or bi-wordly) ‘etcetera’ appropriate.

Now I believe the song is bad, but that only means that it actually stands some chance in a competition that celebrates the appalling, but can someone please give me an idea why the lyric writer chose to name the song inappropriately?

Gordon's Sympathy???????

2009-02-22T12:43:00.000-08:00

There are many people in the British Isles who are tragically dying of various illnesses. Very few of them have ever come close to causing an international incident… And this makes British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, singling out one, who almost did cause said incident, for sympathetic words, very strange indeed.

Now I don’t blame him, he is probably pre-guessing the ‘Queen of Our Hearts’, Headlines that will inevitably follow from some in the media, interfering with extensive coverage of more important topics… Some in the media seem to want us all to watch Big Brother for some un-explained reason.

Fans of Trashy Reality Shows often use the phrase, ‘If you don’t like it don’t watch it’, as an argument, and in a way they are correct. I have never watched Big Brother and when I die I hope to be able to say the same… But when the leader of my home country, and many leaders, decide to use their position to make themselves look caring and people decide to tell me what I want to watch then it becomes my business…

I wish Jade no ill and would hope that she recovers, like I would wish anyone in that situation, but it is not news and it does not warrant being made news…

As I Blogged in January, Patrick McGoohan died, this was a man who created a television programme that demonstrated the plight of the individual and also the importance of individualism, Jade Goody and all reality TV programmes demonstrate the complete opposite and it is very interesting which story got the most coverage...

I'm going to be on the Radio

2009-02-16T07:47:00.000-08:00

Oh and another thing...

I am currently over the moon as I will be on the Radio tomorrow.

I have been asked to appear live on 'Laughter Tracks' on Dublin City FM 103.2. The show runs on Tuesdays from 3:00-3:30pm. I will be singing songs and reading poems from my upcoming collection.
You can find out more about Dublin City FM and listen live to it by going to the website www.dublincityfm.ie.

For those living in Ireland you can tune in to 103.2 FM

Tribute to the Worlds Greatest Wordsmith

2009-02-16T07:42:00.000-08:00

Last month I discovered a cure for the January Blues, or rather I remembered a cure.

One morning last month I woke up and that is as far I wanted to take it… I really, really did not want to go to work… Now this is hardly unusual, but this time the feeling was stronger and more real… I toyed with the idea of phoning in sick, but finally after much toing-and-froing, I decided I needed to get up…

The dark clouds above were not alleviated by showering and not even coffee could snap me out of this unpleasantness…

I decided to forgo my current reading material for that day and instead picked up, ‘Heart of a Goof’, a collection of Golfing stories by the master, P.G. Wodehouse… After a couple of these stories, read whilst on the Dart, I felt a lot better, continuing them on the Bus, I felt ready to take the day on and fully believed, if I could steal one of Wodehouse Quotes, that God was in his Heaven and all was right with the world. I got to work and discovered a nasty E-mail sent by my team leader… I sent a relatively cheery one back, I will not have them undoing all of Wodehouse’s good work. Eventually the correspondence did dampen my mood slightly, but I shudder to think what it would have been like if I had gone to work whilst feeling the way I did when I first got up.

I was reminded of this today when I entered a book shop in Dublin, and saw a selection of newly published Wodehouse books (The publishing and style was new, obviously the books have been available for years.) These books came with complementary quotes on the front of the covers by various fans, some expected (Douglas Adams, Hugh Laurie, Lynne Truss) Some surprising me (Danny Baker, Christopher Biggins.) I then went on to think how cool that would be to have your quote on the front of a Wodehouse book, If my collection of poetry sells well and I become a bit more well known, that would be an ambition of mine, to have my complementary quote on the front of a Wodehouse novel. In fact any publisher can pick from the list below…

Wodehouse: The greatest user of the English Language ever.

The best cure for any malady is a quick dip into a Wodehouse Novel.

I think it is a crime, that Wodehouse isn’t studied at GCSE level when lesser wordsmith’s are.

The only depressing thing about Wodehouse is the knowledge that I will never be as funny as he was, but then no one will be.

Wodehouse Cheers up many a grey day.

That will do for the time being…

Down with the Kids...

2009-02-13T06:08:00.000-08:00

There is an article in the Irish times which deals with the Pat Kenny/Pete Doherty Late Late Show...

The article tries to show how un-cool Pat Kenny is... Like it can be denied... But the article itself, is ridiculous, it is obvious that Mr Murtagh knows nothing about poetry.

For a start Doherty and Dylan are not poets, there is nothing poetic about the lines that he quotes.

He came off as an old man trying to be down with the kids and he failed miserably. For a start the lyric he quotes, and is so proud of, is, 'You charmed the Bees Knees of the Bees', Totally misquoted by Murtagh and therefore rendering the point he was trying to make redundant.

Doherty is a Drug addict who dated Kate Moss. That is all he is... He may attempt to write poetry with melody's but he is very bad at it, and therefore Pat Kenny did a very good job, for probably the first time ever… The only beef I have with him is that he compared PD with a true poetic genius, Shane MacGowan.

Pete and Pat...

2009-02-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

It’s not often I side with Pat Kenny, but I just witnessed an interview with him and Pete Doherty on Youtube, and Pat is getting slagged off, by Doherty’s fans for asking him about drugs and Kate Moss, but I think there is nothing else to ask him about…

People refer to Doherty as a poet but he isn’t, he is someone who can rhyme Murder with Absurder… Drugs, Kate Moss, Getting arrested, A rock star for the Heat generation, that is all Pete Doherty is.

The only issue I have with Pat Kenny is the fact that he likened him to a true poetic genius, Shane MacGowan… There is no genuine comparison…

Not Nominated...

2009-02-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

Well I can only assume that I am either, Not Funny or Nobody reads my blog, how else can anyone explain my absence from the nominations for ‘best humour blog’ in the Irish Blog awards? Especially when one of the Nominations, ‘Our National Disgrace’, Hasn’t posted anything since 2004.

If it is one of those reasons, I’m actually hoping that nobody reads me, because I really do not want people thinking of me as not funny.

I have a dream this year, I would love for my poetry collection, which should be released before the end of April, to be nominated for a Roald Dahl Funny Award, that was introduced by Children’s Laureate, Michael Rosen. This would be wonderful, but if I’m not funny than I can forget that.

But if no one reads me then that will mean that I have been wasting my time writing this and any of my Blogs as no-one has been reading it.

Oh well whatever the reason… There is always next year…

Bigger Than John Lennon?

2009-02-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

A totally un-Topical Poem.

John Lennon once said that 'The Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ' He has often been misquoted as saying 'Bigger than Jesus Christ' I have therefore written this verse about it.

Jesus entered the club
And to the microphone he went.
He hushed the crowd and said
“I’d like to make an announcement.
Despite of what he said
I’m bigger than John Lennon
John was only 5 foot ten
Whereas I’m 5 foot eleven.”
“But,” replied a punter,
“Far be it for me to disagree,
But, John Lennon said, The Beatles
Together, bigger than you they would be.
And, correct me if I’m wrong,
If on each others shoulders they got
Looking down on the top of your head
They would be, would they not?”
Jesus thought about this and realised
“Oh no that is true,
But I’m the son of God I can’t be wrong.”
And before our eyes he grew.
That’s right a miracle was performed
In front of the clientele
And said, ‘take that Mr Lennon
Ringo, George and Paul as well.’
Then Jesus before he left,
The Barman he did thank
And he turned the bottles of Evian
Into Sauvignon Blanc.

In The Village in the Sky

2009-01-14T14:05:00.000-08:00

Patrick McGoohan died today...

I discovered the Prisoner late, but I am so glad I did, it takes a genius to come up with a series that surreal, enlightening, wierd, irreverent and wonderful and he was, along with his creative team, a genius.

My Sympathy is sent to his family... He will be missed.

And I am really amazed, and annoyed, that no one ever took Kosho and made it an Olympic Sport... What do you think?