My Beautiful Mommy

There is a Children’s Book on the Market that helps Children feel better when their Mother has plastic surgery, it’s called, ‘My Beautiful Mommy’ and just the idea of it is beyond ghastly…

But it is popular… Now I really do not think that children’s Literature should exist simply to make adults feel better about their life choices, but hey I’ve got to eat…
So I have written a very similar book, which is entitled: ‘I’ve got Self-Esteem issues Kid, just deal with it, you’ll probably have them as well.’

It has a Seussian flavour, told completely in rhyme and it is as follows.

Mommy’s Breasts are bigger now
And I am going to tell you how.
I hated the fact they were small and saggy
They looked Old Maidy and Old Haggy.
So I got the phone book and I looked
For a plastic surgeon and I booked
An appointment for that day at half past three
I woke up after my operation and I did see
These two things which are much bigger,
And they really improve my figure.
They’re firm and big and all the guys
Cannot stop looking due to there size.
I can no longer breast feed, now they’re grown,
As the milk will taste like silicone.
But I hope the size does not scare
You, actually I really don’t care.
It’s for my self esteem, it’s not for you,
It may be selfish but look at these two.

Any publishers reading please contact me at Onlyjoking@donotcontactthisemail.com

Humourously Depressing.

I got quite depressed yesterday…

I went to a bookshop in Dublin feeling, if not good, relatively OK… and after checking the poetry section, I walked over to the Humour section.

Within this section there were wonderful collections of exceptionally gifted humorists, such as Alan Coren, Woody Allen and SJ Perelman… But next to these collections were books like, ‘Potty, Fartwell and Knob’ which is a collection of funny names and ‘Who Writes this Crap’, too many words in the title, and other ‘Humour Books’ Of Dubious quality… The sight of these great Humorists in the same section as totally low-Humoured, unfunny books was what depressed me.

The master P.G. Wodehouse said that, ‘Humorists are looked down upon by the Intelligentsia’, I used to believe that this was due to Jealousy because of people’s inability to be humorous, now I’m not so sure. Maybe it is because the truly ghastly attempts at literature are humorous…

I believe Humour is exceptionally important… It is a belief I have that I have extended in the poetry and songs I write and perform to Children… I have been thinking about doing more regarding this, for a long time…

After this depressing episode yesterday, I believe I will…

Watch this space.