The Bod Delusion

I have realised that I have been deluding myself all these years…

Bod is a boy… I used to watch Bod religiously as a young child and I have believed since those days that Bod was a Girl…

And today, quite by accident, I found out that Bod was in fact a boy.

I think the main reason that I was under the assumption that Bod was in fact a girl, was because he wears triangle shaped attire and as a child, all female drawings by myself were attired the same way… (See Illustration)



All the years I’ve wasted believing this, I will never ever get back… So I will have to finish with a poem about another female who knows what she wants.


Please Call me Sue

The little Girl at number two
Said to me one day, “Please call me Sue.”
I replied, “Why should I do that?
After all your name is Pat.”
She said, “My parents gave me that name.
I would never have chosen the same.
I think it’s rude, I feel insulted,
That I was never ever consulted.
After all it is me who’ll have the strife
Of living with this name for the rest of my life
So I believe it would have been fair
If a decision is made that I should have been there.
The only reason as to why I wasn’t confided
Is because I was to young when the name was decided
But if they had named me temporarily
We could have changed it to what I wanted when I turned three
But now Pat is permanently my name
And my parents are to blame.
I want to be called Sue that’s what I have planned,
After the singer from my favourite Pop Band.
Besides what has it got to do with you?
If I ask you, then please call me Sue.”

Eurovision Pun Detest...

Oh how sad was Dustin's exit from a competition so po-faced and devoid of intentional-humour… And not for the reasons you would expect…

Dustin's exit from Europe has been a bad thing for Puns… Ever since it has been announced that Dustin was applying to take part in the Eurovision, the Pun-Writers of the Irish press have been going overboard... There has been an explosion of puns... Unfortunately they have not changed.

Yesterday morning's Headline's have been worryingly predictable, with 'Dustin Stuffed', 'Dustin Plucked', 'Dustin Fails to Ruffle feathers', 'Ireland in a flap over Eurovision. etc...

Now these puns are not bad as puns, but they were all expected, they had been used before and they were predicted.

I'm sorry but these newspapers have had a while to come up with decent original puns… It could have only gone two ways since Dustin was chosen and therefore some thought should have been put into it. What were the Pun departments of the newspapers doing?

As a huge Pun fan, I'd like to think I can come up with some.

For instance, why has no one used Sandie Shaw's Eurovision hit as a source of punning?

'Hike A Puppet, Con a Win' This would be an excellent headline the way that Dustin has been hyped making people think he is a shoo-in to win leaving the Bookies the only winners here.

The following are ten puns that would have showed more originality than the puns the press have used:

1) Yeah, Like a Puppet's Gonna Win. (Another obscure Sandie Shaw reference.)
2) Europe tells Dustin to Beak Wyatt.
3) No Turkey-ish delight as Dustin doesn't show Eastern (European) Promise.
4) Dustin's Daily Boos. (Reference to Dustin's show, Dustin's Daily News and the fact he gets booed everywhere.)
5) D'end of Eurovision for Dustin. (Reference to the Den)
6) Eurovision Poultry-mendous news for Dustin Dissenters. (Eurovision Poll Tremendous news etc.)
7) No Hen Party for the Irish in Belgrade. (This is where I start scraping the bottom of the barrel)
8) Dustin fails to make the (Bel)Grade. (Told you)
9) Irlande 'Boos' Points (Ouch surely I can get no lower.)
10) Dustin given free-range in Belgrade. (OK that is it… It is getting silly… Surely I have something better to do.)

I hope these amused you, but I'm assuming that no pun in ten did...

Not Dustin Off An Old Routine

In my first ever performance of comedy for ‘Adults’, I did a routine on the Eurovision song contest, including a ghastly (intentionally) version of a song I told the audience I was going to put forward for the contest… I started the routine by saying that I have lived in Ireland for five years and I love it here, but I cannot understand the nation that gave us Phil Lynott, The Dubliner’s, Van Morrison and others actually seems to give a monkey’s about the Eurovision song contest.

I gave this routine up for three reasons:

1) People might think it was a routine done out of affection (It wasn’t)
2) I made a joke about the fact that, as Terry Wogan says that the British will never win it again because they’ve bombed too many nations, why hasn’t Tony Blair used that as some kind of justification (It was met with silence, Political Satire is not my thing)
3) The routine works on the premise that my birthplace, England, doesn’t care about the Eurovision Song Contest, but after Morrisey and Justin Hawkins behaviour last year, well it’s obviously not strictly true and the routine loses all credibility.

This year, thanks to a turkey, the Eurovision has been all over the Irish news again, some reality TV show person is Britain’s entry and my act is getting on OK without a Eurovision routine, although I still say before a song, ‘This is my Eurovision entry next year, That’ll please them… An Englishman representing Ireland’

I think the moral of this is, you can’t make a joke out of a joke…

Girl Power!!!

Strong willed females have actually featured quite large in my poetry for children, There was Miniature Melanie the wonderful footballer who featured a few blogs ago, then there is Pam (See Below) who knows what she wants, (Or rather what she doesn’t want) but she encounters another strong willed woman who unfortunately makes the rules and there are others as well… I think this influence comes from the strong independent woman I married…

Strong Female Characters have always existed in Children’s Literature, think of Alice and her wonderland adventures, Pippi Longstocking, Nancy drew, Roald Dahl’s Creations Matilda and Sophie (The BFG) etc…

I was thinking of this during the week when I found out that Geri Halliwell, member of the Spice Girls the band that taught girls it’s cool not to think for yourself, Has ‘written’ a collection of Children’s stories that in her word’s, ‘Passes the baton of Girl Power on.’

Oh heaven be praised, Children’s literature has been saved by a selfless individual who does not like the limelight…

I’d like to say this is said in all seriousness as Geri’s version f Girl Power is similar to mine in the way that they were both manufactured by a member of the male gender… Mine came from me and hers came from Simon Fuller and her books are rumoured to have been written by Jonny Zucker.

Girl Power hey!!! Here’s some more for you.

Pam Doesn’t Like Spam

There is a girl called Pam
Who really doesn’t like Spam.
But it’s all her mother serves
And it gets on her nerves.
She said “I’m fed up with it, I am.”

One day, to her mother, she said,
“Mum can we have something different instead?
An alternative dish
Maybe something with fish,
And maybe some chips and some bread.”

“Why?” Her mother enquired
“Don’t tell me of Spam you are tired.
It’s all I’ve ever eaten
And its taste can’t be beaten.
To eat it’s all that’s required.”

“But I don’t like it.” Pam did state.
“And I really don’t appreciate,
To me you don’t give
Any alternative,
As there is nothing but Spam on my plate.”

Pam’s mother did not agree.
She said “An alternative is not necessary.
I’ve only ever eaten Spam,
And it’s made me what I am,
So eat it if you want to grow up like me.”

“Besides” continued Pam’s mother.
“As for alternatives there are no other.
A three year supply
Of Spam I already did buy.
So for the next three years, dinner I did cover.”

So for the next three years Pam
Did eat nothing but Spam.
But she discovered by chance,
That the taste of Spam she could enhance
By adding a spoonful of Jam.

Dr Pepper’ll Only Part if Band, Releases Album this year

Now believe it or not, I have been called odd before. Yes I know it is difficult to believe but it is true.

One of the reasons I have been subjected to this unfair claim is because I actually love Dr Pepper… That’s right, the American based ‘Fruit’ Flavoured soda, along with Root Beer which you can’t get here, is a huge favourite of mine and I have been mocked and laughed at because of it.

I also used to be a huge Guns’N’Roses Fan, I say used to when I actually still love Appetite for Destruction and the Use Your Illusion albums, I think Slash is one of the best guitarists in the world and I have been a huge fan of Izzy Stradlin’s music since he left GNR…

But, I did not give a monkey’s about ‘Chinese Democracy’ it has been one long boring farce that will not include most of the original members if it is finally released and I will not buy it as I believe Axl has taken a brilliant band and flushed it away and there is no excuse for taking this long…

I say I did not give a monkey’s, that is until Dr Pepper announced if the album is released this year they will give every US resident a free can, how cool is that? I know I’m not an American Resident, but my wife is an American Citizen, although she is not technically an American resident at the moment, but hell there must be a way I can get some free Dr Pepper if the album is released… I know many Americans who don’t like it…

So for the first time in a while I implore Axl Rose, Please release this album this year if not for your fans who will actually buy the album, for me…