Me perfoming Stand Up at the Battle of the Axe Comedy Club, Hapenny Inn May 2010
Showing posts with label Attempted Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Attempted Humour. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, September 18, 2008
My Dentist
A bit of Poetic Humour for you...
My Dentist
My Dentist was in a boyband
Before he studied teeth
And, believe me, now he’s a dentist
It really is a relief.
You see the boyband he was in
We’re one of the worst around
A review described them as Awful,
With a really horrible sound.
Whenever they’d perform live
You’d hear the audience say
“Please stop them someone, someone please
Make the noise go away.”
They realised this and they split up
And he went off to train
To be a dentist where he
Produces a lot less pain.
So everyone’s pleased he’s no longer
A member of that boyband
As he’s a lot less feared now
Even when he has a drill in his hand.
My Dentist
My Dentist was in a boyband
Before he studied teeth
And, believe me, now he’s a dentist
It really is a relief.
You see the boyband he was in
We’re one of the worst around
A review described them as Awful,
With a really horrible sound.
Whenever they’d perform live
You’d hear the audience say
“Please stop them someone, someone please
Make the noise go away.”
They realised this and they split up
And he went off to train
To be a dentist where he
Produces a lot less pain.
So everyone’s pleased he’s no longer
A member of that boyband
As he’s a lot less feared now
Even when he has a drill in his hand.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
She's a Rainbow Connection
Whilst travelling to work today, listening to The Rolling Stones, I made a worrying discovery…
Whilst listening to Ruby Tuesday, one of my favourite tunes, I noticed the similarity between Mick Jagger’s Voice and that of Kermit the Frog’s.
Does this now mean that every time I listen to this song, I’ll be reminded of this, thus rendering my enjoyment impossible…Or not the same…
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the Muppets and think that Jim Henson, Frank Oz and all were/are geniuses… I also love the Rolling Stones…
So I love them both… But not together… After listening to Sticky Fingers, I do not think, ‘Well that was good, but it would be better if they did a cover of, ‘It’s not easy being green’’
Nor do I think, whilst viewing the Muppets, ‘When are they going to sing, ‘Torn and Frayed’?’
Although me, being me, I started thinking, ‘If the Rolling Stones songs were re-written for Sesame Street, what would they come up with…’
Well apart from the bad pun that is the title, here are what I’ve come up with:
1) Sesame Street Writing Man (Street Fighting Man)
2) Kermit’s All Over Now (It’s all over now)
3) Big Bird on the run (Turd On the Run)
4) I can add and do subtraction (I can’t get no Satisfaction)
5) You can’t always get something to count (You Can’t always get what you want as sung by The Count)
6) Some Words, (Some Girls, As in Some words start with P H, Some words start with A, Like Apple, Arm and After, Aim, Alert and Away. Sing along)
7) Live with Me (To be Sung by Ernie to Bert and changed to ‘Do you like to live with me’)
8) Little Red Elmo (Rooster)
9) Brown Sugar Cookies (Self Explanatory)
10) Hey you get away from my Can (Oscar the Grouch singing Get off my cloud)
I need to get out more…
Whilst listening to Ruby Tuesday, one of my favourite tunes, I noticed the similarity between Mick Jagger’s Voice and that of Kermit the Frog’s.
Does this now mean that every time I listen to this song, I’ll be reminded of this, thus rendering my enjoyment impossible…Or not the same…
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the Muppets and think that Jim Henson, Frank Oz and all were/are geniuses… I also love the Rolling Stones…
So I love them both… But not together… After listening to Sticky Fingers, I do not think, ‘Well that was good, but it would be better if they did a cover of, ‘It’s not easy being green’’
Nor do I think, whilst viewing the Muppets, ‘When are they going to sing, ‘Torn and Frayed’?’
Although me, being me, I started thinking, ‘If the Rolling Stones songs were re-written for Sesame Street, what would they come up with…’
Well apart from the bad pun that is the title, here are what I’ve come up with:
1) Sesame Street Writing Man (Street Fighting Man)
2) Kermit’s All Over Now (It’s all over now)
3) Big Bird on the run (Turd On the Run)
4) I can add and do subtraction (I can’t get no Satisfaction)
5) You can’t always get something to count (You Can’t always get what you want as sung by The Count)
6) Some Words, (Some Girls, As in Some words start with P H, Some words start with A, Like Apple, Arm and After, Aim, Alert and Away. Sing along)
7) Live with Me (To be Sung by Ernie to Bert and changed to ‘Do you like to live with me’)
8) Little Red Elmo (Rooster)
9) Brown Sugar Cookies (Self Explanatory)
10) Hey you get away from my Can (Oscar the Grouch singing Get off my cloud)
I need to get out more…
Monday, May 26, 2008
The Bod Delusion
I have realised that I have been deluding myself all these years…
Bod is a boy… I used to watch Bod religiously as a young child and I have believed since those days that Bod was a Girl…
And today, quite by accident, I found out that Bod was in fact a boy.
I think the main reason that I was under the assumption that Bod was in fact a girl, was because he wears triangle shaped attire and as a child, all female drawings by myself were attired the same way… (See Illustration)
All the years I’ve wasted believing this, I will never ever get back… So I will have to finish with a poem about another female who knows what she wants.
Please Call me Sue
The little Girl at number two
Said to me one day, “Please call me Sue.”
I replied, “Why should I do that?
After all your name is Pat.”
She said, “My parents gave me that name.
I would never have chosen the same.
I think it’s rude, I feel insulted,
That I was never ever consulted.
After all it is me who’ll have the strife
Of living with this name for the rest of my life
So I believe it would have been fair
If a decision is made that I should have been there.
The only reason as to why I wasn’t confided
Is because I was to young when the name was decided
But if they had named me temporarily
We could have changed it to what I wanted when I turned three
But now Pat is permanently my name
And my parents are to blame.
I want to be called Sue that’s what I have planned,
After the singer from my favourite Pop Band.
Besides what has it got to do with you?
If I ask you, then please call me Sue.”
Bod is a boy… I used to watch Bod religiously as a young child and I have believed since those days that Bod was a Girl…
And today, quite by accident, I found out that Bod was in fact a boy.
I think the main reason that I was under the assumption that Bod was in fact a girl, was because he wears triangle shaped attire and as a child, all female drawings by myself were attired the same way… (See Illustration)
All the years I’ve wasted believing this, I will never ever get back… So I will have to finish with a poem about another female who knows what she wants.
Please Call me Sue
The little Girl at number two
Said to me one day, “Please call me Sue.”
I replied, “Why should I do that?
After all your name is Pat.”
She said, “My parents gave me that name.
I would never have chosen the same.
I think it’s rude, I feel insulted,
That I was never ever consulted.
After all it is me who’ll have the strife
Of living with this name for the rest of my life
So I believe it would have been fair
If a decision is made that I should have been there.
The only reason as to why I wasn’t confided
Is because I was to young when the name was decided
But if they had named me temporarily
We could have changed it to what I wanted when I turned three
But now Pat is permanently my name
And my parents are to blame.
I want to be called Sue that’s what I have planned,
After the singer from my favourite Pop Band.
Besides what has it got to do with you?
If I ask you, then please call me Sue.”
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Eurovision Pun Detest...
Oh how sad was Dustin's exit from a competition so po-faced and devoid of intentional-humour… And not for the reasons you would expect…
Dustin's exit from Europe has been a bad thing for Puns… Ever since it has been announced that Dustin was applying to take part in the Eurovision, the Pun-Writers of the Irish press have been going overboard... There has been an explosion of puns... Unfortunately they have not changed.
Yesterday morning's Headline's have been worryingly predictable, with 'Dustin Stuffed', 'Dustin Plucked', 'Dustin Fails to Ruffle feathers', 'Ireland in a flap over Eurovision. etc...
Now these puns are not bad as puns, but they were all expected, they had been used before and they were predicted.
I'm sorry but these newspapers have had a while to come up with decent original puns… It could have only gone two ways since Dustin was chosen and therefore some thought should have been put into it. What were the Pun departments of the newspapers doing?
As a huge Pun fan, I'd like to think I can come up with some.
For instance, why has no one used Sandie Shaw's Eurovision hit as a source of punning?
'Hike A Puppet, Con a Win' This would be an excellent headline the way that Dustin has been hyped making people think he is a shoo-in to win leaving the Bookies the only winners here.
The following are ten puns that would have showed more originality than the puns the press have used:
1) Yeah, Like a Puppet's Gonna Win. (Another obscure Sandie Shaw reference.)
2) Europe tells Dustin to Beak Wyatt.
3) No Turkey-ish delight as Dustin doesn't show Eastern (European) Promise.
4) Dustin's Daily Boos. (Reference to Dustin's show, Dustin's Daily News and the fact he gets booed everywhere.)
5) D'end of Eurovision for Dustin. (Reference to the Den)
6) Eurovision Poultry-mendous news for Dustin Dissenters. (Eurovision Poll Tremendous news etc.)
7) No Hen Party for the Irish in Belgrade. (This is where I start scraping the bottom of the barrel)
8) Dustin fails to make the (Bel)Grade. (Told you)
9) Irlande 'Boos' Points (Ouch surely I can get no lower.)
10) Dustin given free-range in Belgrade. (OK that is it… It is getting silly… Surely I have something better to do.)
I hope these amused you, but I'm assuming that no pun in ten did...
Dustin's exit from Europe has been a bad thing for Puns… Ever since it has been announced that Dustin was applying to take part in the Eurovision, the Pun-Writers of the Irish press have been going overboard... There has been an explosion of puns... Unfortunately they have not changed.
Yesterday morning's Headline's have been worryingly predictable, with 'Dustin Stuffed', 'Dustin Plucked', 'Dustin Fails to Ruffle feathers', 'Ireland in a flap over Eurovision. etc...
Now these puns are not bad as puns, but they were all expected, they had been used before and they were predicted.
I'm sorry but these newspapers have had a while to come up with decent original puns… It could have only gone two ways since Dustin was chosen and therefore some thought should have been put into it. What were the Pun departments of the newspapers doing?
As a huge Pun fan, I'd like to think I can come up with some.
For instance, why has no one used Sandie Shaw's Eurovision hit as a source of punning?
'Hike A Puppet, Con a Win' This would be an excellent headline the way that Dustin has been hyped making people think he is a shoo-in to win leaving the Bookies the only winners here.
The following are ten puns that would have showed more originality than the puns the press have used:
1) Yeah, Like a Puppet's Gonna Win. (Another obscure Sandie Shaw reference.)
2) Europe tells Dustin to Beak Wyatt.
3) No Turkey-ish delight as Dustin doesn't show Eastern (European) Promise.
4) Dustin's Daily Boos. (Reference to Dustin's show, Dustin's Daily News and the fact he gets booed everywhere.)
5) D'end of Eurovision for Dustin. (Reference to the Den)
6) Eurovision Poultry-mendous news for Dustin Dissenters. (Eurovision Poll Tremendous news etc.)
7) No Hen Party for the Irish in Belgrade. (This is where I start scraping the bottom of the barrel)
8) Dustin fails to make the (Bel)Grade. (Told you)
9) Irlande 'Boos' Points (Ouch surely I can get no lower.)
10) Dustin given free-range in Belgrade. (OK that is it… It is getting silly… Surely I have something better to do.)
I hope these amused you, but I'm assuming that no pun in ten did...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Need To Know Basis
Do you know, I don’t think I’ve ever said to anyone, ‘It’s on a need to know basis.’ And I’m struggling to think of any times I’ve ever had that phrase said to me.
Maybe it is just a phrase that I am never to encounter like, ‘Wow you look good.’ Or, ‘We would be delighted to publish your poems.’
I suppose this means I do not live a secretive enough life that some things need to be on a strictly, ‘need to know basis.’
Maybe there is nothing I need to know, and nothing I need to share.
This phrase needs to enter my vocabulary, cause when it does it will mean I live a more interesting life than I do now and I won’t be wasting my time thinking about why a phrase is not part of my life…
Peace everyone…
Maybe it is just a phrase that I am never to encounter like, ‘Wow you look good.’ Or, ‘We would be delighted to publish your poems.’
I suppose this means I do not live a secretive enough life that some things need to be on a strictly, ‘need to know basis.’
Maybe there is nothing I need to know, and nothing I need to share.
This phrase needs to enter my vocabulary, cause when it does it will mean I live a more interesting life than I do now and I won’t be wasting my time thinking about why a phrase is not part of my life…
Peace everyone…
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